Welcome to my first blog post!
If you’re familiar with me through social media — Instagram @themindfulmillwright — then you may be aware that I am deeply impassioned by writing.
At first I wanted to write a book.
But I don’t know how the fuck do do that!
And I’m terribly uncoordinated in videos, lol.
I had my sights set on creating a website after the last planetary Retrograde had my technology go amiss and I wanted a stable method to be able to create and communicate with you.
By day, I am a tradesperson.
At night, I take care of my family.
And in my free time I make an effort to consciously communicate my research with others.
My life can be understood as a split: Before Mom died and after.
Before she died I didn’t know what life was about.
After she died, I wanted to commit suicide.
I planned it out.
I planned to see my doctor and get prescribed heavy medication due to the traumatic shit I just experienced and I’d take the entire bottle. It would likely hurt the least and hopefully I would be unconscious before the scary part started to happen.
Those were my thoughts.
Another initial thought was that my father and sister would be devastated but likely somewhat understand why, because they knew I couldn’t take the pain.
I knew it would kill my grandmother, though.
She had just lost her daughter and I couldn’t cause her more pain.
So, I decided initially that my grandmother was my reason to live.
However, with her being elderly and deeply traumatized and devastated by Mom dying, I decided to wait out the duration of her life and then I’d go.
So, I put my death on the back burner until further notice.
What happened next is the reason I am here six years later, though it feels like it just happened yesterday.
I’ll go into fine detail about the night she died in another post.
Technically Mom died on November 21st, 2014 at Hamilton General Hospital.
But from my perspective, she died on November 16, 2014 with me at home.
She was in a medically induced coma for five days after the paramedics gained a pulse with CPR and we let her go upon receiving news that there was no longer brain activity.
I was on my way to becoming a successful person (according to Mom).
I was in my final year at Mohawk College in Hamilton for Industrial Mechanical Engineering – Technician (Automation) and had recently graduated from Brock University (Soci ’12).
I had no “logical” reason to die and my circumstances and all of the people who loved me did not matter at the moment of contemplation.
I grew up with two living grandparents: Moo-Moo and Gramps.
Those were Mom’s parents.
Dad’s had died shortly after I was born.
They helped raise my sister and I as my parents both worked for different steel manufacturing companies and maintained successful careers.
Grandpa aka “Gramps” died six months before my mother did and it broke her heart in half.
Moo-Moo’s life kept me alive in the first hours after Mom died.
That was the time I was most fragile and when I started to seriously contemplate my plan.
Then came the day I was preparing a collage for Mom’s funeral.
I was overwhelmed and alone on a couch searching through hundreds of photos to try and sum her life up on a collage for the funeral home.
My chest just got super heavy writing this so I apologize if this is upsetting.
Please know that I am okay, but I invite you to continue on.
So I’m sitting there with my face soaked from tears and snot. I’m trying my best not to get any wetness on the photographs and only choose the ones Mom would have loved.
I was spiralling downward in my thoughts and then all of a sudden, in a moment I still have a hard time accurately explaining with words, Mom was able to get through to me.
I was, in an instant, transformed.
I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing.
Truth be told, I thought I had finally tipped the breaking point and was convinced I was now experiencing psychosis.
I’m sure many people would have probably suggested I was if they had been in the vicinity at the time.
I felt my mother’s despair at my suffering.
I felt her love wrap me up all at once and reassure me that “our bodies go, Kaila, we don’t.”
I was perplexed. At this point, I was ready to end my life.
Now, a fire had been ignited and set me on a course I couldn’t have imagined I’d be steering.
I decided to devote my entire life to understanding that feeling.
And I am pleased to share with you that is has been nearly six years since that day and I have an arsenal of research and experience to attest to my belief that we don’t die — only our bodies do.
Thank you for reading so far.
I hope that we become entangled in experience as I attempt to unravel a rather complex subject matter using the lens of my life as an example.
What I found out saved my life.
I’ll also be discussing my career as a mechanical tradeswoman.
I had no idea that females were a minority within the world of the skilled trades when I started in 2013.
I am pleased to advocate for learning and development within the skilled trades as a female millwright apprentice who hopes to be Red-Seal Certified in the upcoming year.
On most days, you’ll find me at work in my office as a mechanical maintenance planner for buildings and infrastructure while driving the guys crazy with my antics or at home spending time with my family.
I invite you to explore my mind and unravel some truths that have been hidden from us by societal figures who simply either do not have the capacity to digest the information or know how powerful the knowledge is and attempt to keep it a secret.
I use Tarot cards to help poke into the world of Spirit and always offer free first time readings for anyone who is interested.
I offer the service to demonstrate the very real magic within our lives and extend healing to other people.
I also enjoy baffling the skeptics as I was once one myself.
I am honoured to live in this wonderfully communicative Age of Technology and truth be told…
…I’m just honoured to live.
Talk to you soon.
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