Musings of a Millwright

Today is Halloween!

The spookiest day of the year, although this year it crept up too quickly and feels like it’s almost over!

Perhaps it is because I am a Mom now and have had zero party time this year.

You know, dress up and party and forget all about it because you had one too many and laugh about it all the next day?

Those were the days…lol.

I can’t complain though.

We are getting together with friends and taking Mila out for the first time, dressed as a black cat.

Get it? Cause I’m a witch? And she’s my familiar?

Lol.

Just kidding.

Originally we purchased the “black cat” costume for Mila to be Luna during our Sailor Moon family cosplay but Halloween is a great way to recycle it for use.

So I was going to do a giveaway contest and I bought prizes and everything.

This morning around 5:00 AM I posted the photos on Instagram could tag a friend under and enter.

And then Spirit told me to take them down.

I don’t like to throw around the “sPiRiT ToLd Me ThO” so when I say this please know there is depth behind it.

Spirit doesn’t literally go “Kaila, don’t post that please.”

I get signs and follow the direction, ask for validation and go from there.

It was a process which began to unfold days prior to posting and was firmly confirmed as soon as I did post.

After all of that, I intuited the following message:

We understand that you wish to offer prizes to people in an attempt to gain followers and traction with your endeavors earthside. Please be advised that patience is involved but the right audience will indeed discover you without effort. We will guide them towards you. No extensive effort in the form of bribery is required but we appreciate your dedication and enjoy watching you have fun with this experience. Plug away at your readings and your literature will speak for itself. No prizes required.

Sincerely,

Your spiritual team.

I’ve long accepted my team’s guidance and I’ve stubbornly refused their guidance before with less than desired results.

So, I took the posts down.

I know the prizes are not for nothing so I will keep them for their true purpose which I am sure will unfold to me soon.

That’s how Spirit works for me.

Calibrating my clairvoyance at first was tricky because there are no guidebooks for understanding the specific language offered to you by your higher self and guides.

There are inclinations of how people with acknowledged “gifts” – everyone is gifted – can demonstrate how they do it but it is never ever the same for two people.

Once I figured out my language communication became much easier.

Now I feel comfortable relaying messages to the world.

Let’s get into the world as we are right now.

A lot of people take one large aspect of their lives and identify themselves by it.

We see this most currently in our societal climate in relation to gender differences but we can take a look at race and culture as examples of this as well.

It is becoming messy and our well-developed language is partly to blame.

We are trying to navigate our language to better specify various labels but mere words are too limited to be accurate enough.

We would need too many damn labels you guys.

I don’t adhere to labels and I don’t want any label to adhere to me.

We are all the same but we have differences and these differences should be addressed and acknowledged as a range rather than try to specify our language so tightly.

As a person who cannot fit squarely into any identifying label due to the criteria set by others, I wish for us to ease this choke hold we have over language and loosen up a little more.

We are attaching ourselves to our bodies too tightly and the operator of the vehicle is now becoming less important than the vehicle itself.

Picture it this way…

Humans are like a compound of various cars and all of a sudden instead of being okay with being different “cars” we have people saying:

…Well I’m a BMW I can’t be classified as a Civic
or
Okay, well then I’m a Lamborghini and I don’t want to be called a Ferrari“.

At the end of the day we’re all cars.

We all get started and drive and end up dying of mechanical failure (lol).

It made creating this blog super difficult as well.

I feel like I offend the tradespeople with all the spiritual shit and the spiritual people don’t like the fact that I have a good career that provides me with financial stability.

After all, if I’m a Tarot reading witch why am I not making that my life and business?

Because I enjoy my diversity.

I’m glad I was raised on the cusp of this young generation and experienced my youth before social media became “normal”.

Before all of the labels began attacking each other.

I’m terrified of offending people.

I’m terrified you’re reading this now and becoming enraged.

And I’m conscious of the fact that I could get bulldozed by criticism simply by offering mine.

…But I’m the outlier, remember?

The one who doesn’t give a shit what people think, lol.

It doesn’t matter who you are.

I employ the divine masculine and the divine feminine at the appropriate times and I am constantly in oscillation between the two.

At work, I am “one of the guys” and I even shaved off all my hair once to make it easy to be on the floor as a millwright – less grease in the hair.

At work I am treated like the person I project.

Confident. Competent. A woman performing a traditionally male role.

I do all sorts of shit at work that my female friends wouldn’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about if I told them.

I say that because I never had a goddamn clue when the guys would talk about this stuff to me before I was an apprentice.

It doesn’t mean I have to identify any less as the self-proclaimed “girly girl” than I have always been.

Here’s an example of me as a writer employing my divine masculine – logic, action, strength – and divine feminine – expression, intuition, wise – both working together as I expose a snippet of my career life:

“I’ve got guys [contractors] on the roof and it’s leaking like a sieve when it rains. They’re offsite today because of the wind and the rain [can’t operate mobile cranes/equipment in high wind].

I met with masonry and they’re going to patch up the floors at the prep line and front of the mill with that new mix that seems cheaper and lasts longer than the old stuff.

Must get an embedded locate for the conduit.

Ordered tarps for the riggers to install in the old galv building to see if we can’t get the place two degrees warmer by cutting the wind from the open end of the obsolete mill building.

Met with civil engineers tomorrow to peek under the old tractor aisle to see what the structure is like because we want to repair it from the decking and they couldn’t get a good look last scope because of the debris.

I’ve got to take a look at that clogged drain on the roof and get something going to have that old coke oven gas line removed.

And that 8″ bay water line blew last winter due to freezing so I need to get it heat traced so we don’t have a repeat episode this year.”

I’m proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, CMMS (a software designed to simplify maintenance management) and when I first started I thought I was in over my head.

I thought “women can’t do this…I can’t do this” until I got over my progress inhibiting fears.

Like thinking I had to fit the description of “millwright”.

It truly takes time and patience to develop any desired skills, whether it’s a skilled trade or simply because you want to be a Tarot reading witch on the side.

When I’m at work, I’m there for eight hours a day, five days a week.

I split my time between the office and the shop floor since I am actively trying to become a licensed industrial mechanic-millwright.

I used to think that we had a limit to our knowledge and that I was simply too stupid to retain any information.

What was happening was my fear based thinking was preventing me from learning at all.

I was too busy worrying.

“Why is that guy looking at me like that? Oh god, what did I do now? Am I doing this wrong? I must look like a fucking idiot right now.”

Oh god they’re laughing at me. They must be. Why am I so dumb? I think that guy hates me.”

Those were common thoughts that had to be eradicated at the beginning of my journey as an apprentice.

It took me some time to ease into acceptance of my own personal diversity but so far, so good!

I am not stupid or unintelligent.

I’m just not a dude so it looks different when I am using the tools as opposed to what these people are used to experiencing.

It doesn’t mean I’m any less masculine or any less feminine than my counterparts.

I’m both.

We’re all both.

Even the ones who think they’re rigidly on one side of the spectrum:

“I’m a man’s man!”
OR
“I’m such a girly girl!”

They are choosing to offer you that part of their identity at that time.

It’s a matter of accepting the duality within and embracing both of the divines within.

I think it’s a confusing world for children to grow up in, what with all the efforts to place labels on everything.

I wouldn’t know what to say I was if I were going through developmental changes as a child in this society, if I’m being 100% honest.

God, I’d have had a hell of a time navigating our society as a youth nowadays and am glad I was able to experience the 90’s and early 00’s.

Twas a simpler time…lol.

I get it. I do. The bullying. The torment. I’ve witnessed it. I hate it.

And I know people are quick to say “LoVe YoUrSeLf FiRsT” – and I’ve said it too – but that means loving the flaws, loving the struggle, loving the tests and the triumphs that come out of them.

Hell, I’ve been there.

Literally.

I do not mean harm by what I write.

In fact, I mean harmony.

I am using my website as a way to express myself as an enriched individual without the labels forced upon me by society and its new norms.

I’ve long stopped caring about the way I am perceived by others because my personal life is so fucking beautiful and perfect because of my work and dedication that I’m not about to let anyone fuck that up for me.

I almost died because I hated this life so much and now I realize how precious my time here is, and I wholeheartedly expect to actively expend all of my energy into pursuits of enjoyment and betterment of humanity.

I love my career.

I love being a mother and a woman and a wife.

I love being a tradesman and talking shit with the guys like I’m one of them but remaining serious when need be.

I love my husband and how he embraces and supports me, the self-proclaimed girly-girl who does what is traditionally a “man’s job” for a living.

To tackle the current climate debate, I offer a recent experience of mine for perspective.

I went to scope a job in our mill’s basement which is over 150 years old.

There are old, obsolete tanks (about 10′ high and 30′ wide) which were made of steel but had started to rot because they haven’t been used since the 70’s.

Yes, the 70’s!

No one currently works at my mill who knew what they were used for, the tanks are that old.

We want to fill this basement up so our forklifts can drive over the area.

Right now, it’s crumbling and the floor cannot be repaired due to cost so filling up the basement is the better option.

One day during a scope, I go up to one of these tanks and notice the side was almost completely rusted out so I gave it a good kick lol and a thirty foot sheet of rusted metal crumbled straight to the floor.

It allowed me an opportunity to acknowledge that if we think humans are capable of “ruining” this earth without this earth taking care of herself, well, we’ve got another thing coming lol.

I see our new tanks and they looked indestructible to me until this experience.

This earth by using oxygen and all of its other elements will wipe us out long before we can do that to her.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t do anything about climate change because we should.

This planet is our home.

I think we ought to stop the fear mongering and instead teach people to take care of our home planet out of respect for it instead of saying we’re all going to die because we’re a shitty people.

Ya feel?

And finally, as Halloween comes to an end all I can think about is…

Christmas!

Normally I’d be all “yay! Christmas!” but now that I am actively raising a human being, I have been met with the great Santa Claus debate.

I recently told my sister that I didn’t want to tell my daughter Santa was real and this horrified her.

I get it and truthfully, many other people have offered their extreme distaste for my choosing this, mostly for the sake of keeping up the lie for their own kids, and except for my husband who is totally on board.

We don’t want to lie to Mila.
Not ever.

I remember how I felt when I found out Santa wasn’t real and it was fucking terrible.

I still remember it making me sick to my stomach seeing the bag of presents addressed to my sister and I.

I recall crying to Mom asking how this could have gone on so long without my knowing.

There were more complex feelings attached but I was around seven or eight years old and my attention quickly turned to ensuring my little sister wouldn’t find out and become distraught like me.

I think that saved me from contemplating the lie too much, but I remember thereafter thinking of having to shield my younger sister from the terrors of growing up and I did that for years to come.

Not fun.

I picture myself older in memory because I cannot imagine a seven or eight year old child dealing with the thoughts that came to me, but I did so there must be others with similar experiences.

And that’s a pretty shitty ending to a “magical” lie.

Similarly, my husband and I grew up “with Santa” because our parents wanted us to experience what they were without in their own youths.

Don’t get me wrong. They had our best interests at heart.

I love Christmas and Mom made Christmas amazing.

Every. Single. Year.

I just think that there’s enough actual magic in the world that I can share with her and enjoy the story of Santa as just that…

…a story to share.

I enjoy purchasing gifts for her and I want to experience the warm, fun holiday magic without the lie and know that she has received gifts for this occasion because I chose them to make her happy.

Kudos to all the parents who let Santa take credit for their hard earned time and money spent on those presents.

It’s just not something I am willing to accept into my life going forward.

I know I’m gonna get a lot of flack for this but that’s pretty much my life lol.

I hope you have an awesome day wherever you are and know that wherever you are, whoever you are at this point in time is simply…enough.

Talk soon.

Kaila A. Notto

Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2019. All Rights Reserved.












































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