I've Been Here Before

I have discussed some of the maintenance themes surrounding our vehicles – the body – but thus far have said little about the driver itself.

I have spent years uncovering who drives my vehicle so I challenge you to ask yourself the following questions…

Are you driving and in full control of your vehicle going full speed ahead?

Or are you simply the passenger…

Waiting for life’s unexpected road blocks and sharp turns to steer you around?

Before my awakening I thought that I was the same as my body and it wasn’t until the distinctions were drawn that I was able to differentiate between who is me and what I am composed of materially in this lifetime.

We are dense beings of matter and have a complicated physical hydraulic system – our blood, heart and veins, etc. – complete with a Spirit or Higher Self and powered through electricity.

We are not only our shell and guts but chemicals and electrical impulses that work within us to create different sensations, perceptions, emotions and more.

When we kiss a lover’s lips we feel that sensation in our heart chakra and its associated physical organ –  the organ begins to speed up as we start to perspire and dopamine – a chemical we produce naturally – is shot through us enhancing the overall effect of the kiss.

It becomes more than a kiss.
It becomes an experience.

It is important to distinguish what is body and what is mind.

When a symptom pops up within me, I can understand that more is going on behind the scenes – beyond my comprehension.

I rely on my guides for support and information during difficult times and they never falter.

Shortly after I gave birth to Mila, I began to experience “the baby blues” due to a lack of sleep and the added stress of not being able to breastfeed my daughter.

I knew I was susceptible to the possible invasion of postpartum depression because of my past experience with depression so I was quickly able to identify and thwart the attack as I was experiencing it and start the healing process again.

Healing is not linear and it takes some time and patience to recover from deeply traumatic events.

Hell, it takes time to recover from the small shit, too.

We must always try to heal and progress onward – pain is temporary but life is endless.

We are here to evolve.

Most days I am fine but I am always in patrol for any veering from my usual happy demeanor.

I removed myself as a contributing factor to my struggles by starting a journal to identify my self-destructing patterns through careful self-examination and eradicate the root of my own problems at the source.

I took down each personal vice one by one.

Attachment to people and things? Gone.

Lust for material items and money? Gone.

The need for acceptance of each person I interact with? Gone.

The list goes on.

I try not to let the words or actions of others affect me.

If I manage to become rattled somewhere in public I follow the below technique to ground myself.

I take a minute alone somewhere – preferably somewhere I can wash my hands.

And this works especially well at work or in public if someone or something particularly upsets you.

It is an exercise in awareness.

As the mind goes a mile a minute in thought, take a moment to excuse yourself and find a place you can slow your breathing and time-out briefly.

A restroom works great.

Take a moment to deep breathe at least ten breaths and wash your hands or face with the clear intention of removing the unwanted energies from your person.

Soap up and think of what happened.

While starting to suds up, open an imaginary box in your mind where you can put this “thing” inside – the experience or person or feeling and place it in there.

The box in my mind is rose gold with diamonds encrusting its outside edges.

Keep washing the hands – envision the problems “washing away” while you bring yourself together in a moment of awareness.

Body is actively engaged in “washing it away” while the mind cares for the negative attachments.

Tell the thing your mind is fixated on that you’ll come back to it later – especially if it is super irritating or persistent.

Example: “God, she made me SO mad! How could she have said that to me?”

It eases your mind by tricking the brain into thinking you will eventually entertain the rabbit hole of doom* – but once you’ve successfully unwound yourself from it you may just find it is almost impossible to lose yourself within its grips once more upon re-entry of the memory of them/it.

*Rabbit hole of doom is where your mind goes over the experience again and again with no change to the situation or outcome thereby causing more grief.

It is because you have now managed to gain control of it and it no longer rules your mind, emotions or bodily functions.

Like, who cares what they said or did?

The effect has lost its initial aggressiveness and invasion of your mind and senses.

The person or experience have now lost their power over you.

It is much easier to reach a state of peace and forgiveness if you take the onslaught of chemical and mental imbalances by the reigns from the get go.

An experience of nervousness can be eased through mindful techniques as well.

Often I find myself in situations that would have seen me wrought in fear in the past.

Sometimes I’m facilitating meetings with ten different tradespeople who are usually guys who’ve been doing it for years.

It can be intimidating because I am conscious of how I am initially perceived by some individuals.

When I was a student at Brock University my grades suffered terribly because I could not pass the seminar portion of the classes in which I had to orally engage with the weekly material.

I couldn’t get past my lack of confidence.

I found myself writing make-up essay after essay to make up for this part of my mark.

Social anxiety and depression paired with suffering in silence for years almost caused me to drop out of university.

However, thinking about how my parents paid for it with their hard earned money and how valuable that gift was – I tried to keep my head just above water enough to receive my degree.

And I did in 2012 earning my Bachelor of Arts in Sociology.

In my graduating year I was prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication which helped me significantly, though no medication has even touched the profound healing effect of acquiring the knowledge that we do not die – only our bodies do.

Medication initially put me on a straight path towards improving my mental health – this was long before Mom died – but those medications also caused me to experience seizures upon weaning off them.

It scared me and I decided I never wanted to go on them again.

It felt as though my brain was being “zapped” and it was not pleasant to experience – I could shake my head side-to-side and feel my brain moving around in there and it freaked me out.

That feeling eventually subsided.

My yearning for knowledge was propelled after experiencing the moment where Mom first connected to me spiritually postmortem and I will never forget that first experience and how profound my understanding of life became in an instant.

Like Dr. Brian Weiss – the author of Many Lives Many Masters – has stated, it is nearly impossible for people to believe in this sort of thing without firsthand experience.

I’m hoping that my writing will help translate Spirit in a way that is both understandable and helpful to others.

In fact, many people like myself are reluctant at first to share these experiences because we know that the reception of similar experiences relayed by others is often less than kind.


I have little care for the perception of others about myself at this point in time.

The messages that I receive are far too important to keep a secret – and Spirit is adamant that now is indeed the correct time to share.

I perform what is called “automatic writing” – this entire website is an example of my gift.

My Tarot readings are literally me connecting with your energies and guides and relaying messages to you.

What I write comes from beyond the physical person hammering on the keys of a keyboard.

I know exactly what my life is meant for and I plan on executing my tasks to the best of my ability before leaving this body – this precious life.

I’ll be divulging fragments of my past that have been ridden with mental health struggles.

The information I learned about life and death cured my fears and eased my anxieties and I am happily medication free – other than the occasional Tylenol for a headache!

My mind may wander back to its pre-programmed way of thinking – it’s the nature of the beast – but truth always prevails and with a little effort it becomes much easier to accept the truth and have faith than to spend time in denial, doubt and worry.

Like the Masters say – according to Dr. Weiss – fear is a waste of energy.

Public speaking or talking to strangers used to make me lightheaded, nauseous and soaked in sweat both on my face and underarms.

School projects or presentations and group activities used to fill me with dread that caused me insomnia for days and I did what I later realized was emotional eating by stuffing myself full of food afterwards.

Partly because I was hungry but mostly because I was stressed out.

I’d starve myself before a presentation because having food in my stomach would cause me severe cramps and nausea – to the point that I really thought I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

It was nerves due to lack of confidence.

The lack of confidence was due to my inability to absorb and understand learning material.

For years I thought I was stupid but I was living in a fear-based mindset causing my own limitations.

I was too worried about looking dumb or concerned about what others thought of my appearance to focus on my education.


I let that shit get in the way of my whole university career.

When I entered Mohawk College for the Industrial Mechanic-Millwright Program it was different because it wasn’t a fresh out of high-school and rushed decision – like university was – but rather an informed choice following my passions with more clearly defined intentions.

I was especially sure to voice my struggles and insecurities to teachers and fellow classmates along the way.

I didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

At first I was intimidated but I quickly taught myself not to care if people giggled a little – because I was enjoying my learning experience for the first time.

I was never singled out for being a chick in a negative way.

The other girls in the class blended in effortlessly which made me super envious in the beginning – however I knew everyone had to start somewhere.

The memory of Dad trying to spark my interest in mechanics in our garage growing up flooded back to me and I regretted thinking tools were “for the boys”.

We now not only talk shop and tools – but I am the second generation steelworker at the plant he retired from and it adds layers of context and understanding to the stories he tells.

I am proud of my Dad and have always wished to make him proud as his daughter.

At both work and school people seemed more inclined to help me when I was honest and upfront that I’d never experienced anything mechanical or trade related before in my life.

Not that I hadn’t been offered – I simply resisted anything outside of my gender norms as a girl child.

I loved all things pink and emulated Mom like the goddess she was – but threw my Dad and his interests on the back-burner – much to his digression.

He didn’t care that my sister and I were girls – he wanted to share his passions with us and I have valued asking all about his past as a mechanic and extracting mechanical and trade related knowledge from him.

A few of my best mentors at school included a female pneumatics teacher and a couple of fellow female classmates – but the guys were and still are always willing to lend a hand.

I’ve had my share of laughs but I have never been offended by it – there is never malice behind it– and I’m the first person to laugh at myself at times.

I think having a lighthearted approach to myself has helped me significantly in the trade.

When Mom first died I was in my graduating year at Mohawk College and what I experienced during this time of grief was profound – and I am forever grateful for it.

A couple of the teachers reached out to me personally and offered me their own personal experiences to help me manage my trauma.

I will never forget what they told me.

Their support and insight kept me going.

At first I had a hard time living but with the intent of living I initially fed off the positive energy of others until I could dig myself from out of the deep, deep hole I was in.

The people I have experienced have proved to me that our guides are all around us both physically and spiritually .

We are given the help when we ask for it.

I couldn’t foresee what my life was meant for at first but I knew that it was meant for something.

I asked Spirit to show me.

It has been six years since my awakening and I am happily on my way forward.

Now I advocate for mental health and the skilled trades.

I might not be on the tools as often as before but I learned the same as everyone else – I picked up a grinder and a wrench for the first time while at work and they felt foreign to me until one day they didn’t.

Becoming more aware helped me personally and professionally.

It makes me a better tradeswoman and a better individual.

I can weld and burn and grind and I’m a little strange in that I love the smell of hot work being performed in a shop environment.

There is something both familiar and pleasant about the smell of a workshop.

I had zero mechanical knowledge before I became a tradesman but chose millwright at first because it was the most appealing to me.

I knew I wanted to fix things and work with my hands.

This is kind of where my ordinary life meets mystical interjection and it is part of the reason why I find it so hard to draw distinctions when asked to label myself.

I had consulted with my Spiritual Guide Team on creating this website but feel compelled to tell you about the messages I intuit as I receive them– like now – which I mentioned is called automatic writing.

They’ve got me mixing trade talk with spirituality and though I can’t understand it yet I just keep writing.

“I know that there is a reason for everything. Perhaps at the moment that an event occurs we have neither the insight nor the foresight to comprehend the reason, but with time and patience it will come to light.”

Dr. Brian Weiss – Many Lives Many Masters

This statement is true in my experience both as a tradesperson and as a loss survivor.

At the time I chose to go back to school for millwrighting I had no idea exactly why I wanted to be a millwright or what a millwright even was but I just knew it was the right choice.

Now I can’t imagine being in any other career.

And when Mom died I thought my life was over.

Now I am enjoying my career and family life and doing my part in helping other people by creating this website and laying out my research and knowledge for others to share in.

I wish to relay what I have learned so that others can benefit and grow, too.

Many Lives Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss parallels the messages and themes offered by Rudolf Steiner and I am indebted to both of these individuals for providing the groundbreaking literature of truth that humbly awaits those who seek it.

Like I did.

Yet these parapsychological events are fairly common, much more frequent than people realize. It is only the reluctance to tell others about psychic occurrences that makes them seem so rare. And the more highly trained the more reluctant to share.” – Many Lives, Many Masters. Weiss: Page 128.

What offered me the freedom to share my experiences with others is the fact that the alternative had caused me to think of suicide.

I thought, well shit, if other people can’t hear what I did they might actually go through with it.

So yes, I am for sure an advocate for being a woman in the skilled trades but more importantly, I am an advocate of human life and progression as spiritual entities.

It is not my place to reveal all of the secrets I know because they will find you when you are ready.

But I will answer any questions you may pose to me.

One thing I’d like to make entirely clear is that my life is not picture perfect.

I have and have had my own personal transgressions but I own them as they are.

I do not write from a place of haste or without careful deliberation of my subject matter.

And I consult my guides with every change in direction.

In fact, they are almost entirely to thank for this entry.

The guidance was strong in writing this blog entry and it took me a couple of days to work on it compared to the other ones preceding it which only took a couple of hours a piece.

At this time I’m guided to remind you that we can maintain our vehicles but please place more emphasis on the driver.

The body will eventually die.

What matters is the progress you make while in this incarnation and how you advance as a soul.

I mean if you want to keep coming back and experiencing the same pains and traumas then by all means lol this is for the people who wish to grow.

We are stuck as a society – as a collective. We are advancing but there are mini groups creating more divisions within with the appearance of inclusiveness. It only draws more lines in the sand. We are all one. We all come from the same Source – call it God – call it what you want. You call it many things. We know you hear us now. Technology has aided our advancement. We must now extend our patience and love to those who still don’t understand. They will find out. Any attempt at force will only create a stronger repulsion. The way to attract everyone together is to provide constant light into their darkness – opposites attract. The dark will only become extinct when the light outgrows it. By dividing ourselves we only create more darkness.

Okay lmao what the f

That usually happens in a reading…

But I made this website to go with the flow so I can’t exactly go against Spirit when it uses me as conduit!

I’m kind of nervous because I don’t want to sound preachy.

I can do a whole blog post on my own negative attributes, experiences, when I was a shit human at times, etc.

I have grown and will continue to learn and grow.

And I try not to be a shit human – lol.

There are times I am tested and I appreciate and value these experiences at face value.

And I simply intuit the message – to the best of my ability as a translator.

The words come from me but the message comes from Spirit.

I am currently in the process of learning about my past lives and have had strong inclinations I probably lived in Asia most recently.

The subtleties are there and I am intrigued enough about my own tendencies as I am the people around me.

It doesn’t matter who you were especially because we could have spanned across several countries and ages – and I don’t even know about planets yet!

This can be information overload for some and for those who are like “woah I came here for trade talk not this bullshit” well – I see you lol – and it’s totally fine I’ll talk trade in specifically defined entries later on.

It doesn’t essentially matter who we were so much as the lessons we learned or the karma we acquired from previous lifetimes.

It hurt me to understand that people in a coma chose whether or not they returned thinking “why wouldn’t Mom choose to come back?”

She explained to me the reason in a vision and I still like to keep my visions private for the most part because I am afraid of looking “crazy” or mentally unstable.

I assure you I am perfectly fine, thank you – lol.

I can tell you I don’t hallucinate or “hear voices” or anything that would generate a medical diagnosis.

I am doing what everyone else can do.

Spirit tells me to relay the vision with Mom in this case – so I’ll tell ya.

Basically if you picture something in your mind’s eye – that is where you can easily communicate with Spirit but it takes practise to develop this skill.

Meditation is the best way to help you here.

So I was talking to Mom in this state and she was in a hospital bed with her eyes closed – in a coma.

She then sat up and took the oxygen piece out of her nose and told me why she died instead of coming back to me.

Yes, it can be difficult at first to wrap your mind around this concept and I appreciate that.

It was especially hard for me at first because I missed her so much and to get her spiritually would cause me to cry and lose contact.

It took a few times to get the hang of it.

Now I talk to her as if she were here and it doesn’t cause me to feel sad anymore.

I will always miss her body and never forget the relationship we had.

But I know that I’ll never lose her and that provides me with great comfort and relief.

People have told me this is a “coping method” and that’s fine.

Some people cannot accept what they cannot comprehend.

Our society, unfortunately, even with the technological, medical and psychological advancement fails to understand the magic we cannot see.

We are getting there, though.

And finally, since this post is especially spiritually guided I’d like to close it off with a reading for you.

Because we are a collective as well as individuals it is easy for me to ask Spirit to guide a reading because Spirit knows who will see it.

We do have to care for our vehicles as well as our drivers and eating healthfully will give you the best opportunity to age with grace.

After I became a vegetarian and tried to remove animal suffering from my life as much as possible – I am aware of some dairy industry concerns but I am trying – it helped me out significantly.

My weight stopped fluctuating and my body healed great after giving birth to Mila – and after gaining 70 pounds from the pregnancy!

That’s not to mention the increase in water intake and the glow my skin is now achieving!

Essentially, I know when I am going to die.

I won’t say when or how – I have told my husband – but I do intend to be old unless I’m killed in an accident beforehand.

Hopefully not though – or this will be especially eerie for you to read.


Just in case lmao.

Lol @ Mila’s hand in the photo.

My confidence was shaken when I got pregnant because it was unfamiliar territory and initially I was undiagnosed with what I eventually found out was Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

I mistook the symptoms for something wrong with me because I wasn’t eating meat – I was a vegetarian when I became pregnant.

We were living at CityPlace in Toronto and it was nearly impossible for me to get an appointment with a midwife.

Eventually I saw my family doctor in Hamilton when we moved back here because I was so sick.

I couldn’t handle the commute.

In the three months I was pregnant without medical care, I ate a ton of meat and meat products and gained nearly 35 pounds in that time.

The rest of the weight was spread over the last six months.

And when I was given the go ahead to go back to my vegetarian diet, some of the symptoms that I associated with pregnancy – like recurring acne – disappeared again.

I was ecstatic!

And we have remained a vegetarian family ever since.

Mila enjoys vegetarian curries and all sorts of foods we share with her.

I love exploring and enjoying nourishment with my family – and Tim and I look forward to our dinners together each night.

He always prepares us a delicious feast…I’m a lucky woman.

It is all about the balance which I stated in my previous blog entry.

There’s nothing I enjoy more than an ice cold beer some nights after work or out at a restaurant on a date.

I don’t guzzle them back and enjoy them, like everything else, in moderation.

And because I know what the chemical does, I try to stay away from sugar as a rule.

My body has become exponentially sensitive.

To pull the X of Swords tells me of a person who feels defeated.

If you have come this far in this reading then perhaps it is your sign not to give up – which I believe was similar to a message I pulled just recently.

Patience is a key theme for a lot of people.

Things are mostly out of our control and we must learn to accept this.

The High Priestess is a person who attracts people towards them almost effortlessly.

Combine this with the above X of Swords and it becomes a tricky situation wherein you may feel as though people use you and then leave you when they’re done.

People come in and out of our lives for a reason.

Some of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned pertained to relationships I have been in.

I’ve been in a place where I’ve felt worthless and unloved and wondering if I’d ever find a true companion.

I had entered into relationships where I was happy yet lonely as I grew spiritually, and when I met Tim – my husband – I wasn’t looking at all.

I was devoted to myself at that time.

When I picked up on our connection and the unnerving feeling that I have known him for lifetimes I asked Spirit for many signs and they kept popping up.

Over. And over.

Some days Tim would even say things that would have me taken aback because I could not fathom a human male saying these things to me.

I had just met him and he said “you know, they say when you meet your wife you just know.

I was thinking that but had remained mostly silent because he made me so nervous.

I couldn’t wrap my head around another human communicating with me energetically and it fascinated me.

Now I cannot imagine being in any lifetime without him.

So my point is not to brag about my relationship but to tell you that if you desire a loving relationship, work diligently on upgrading yourself to match the frequency of the person you deserve.

And if you are in a relationship and feeling a little let down lately, ensure that you are effectively communicating with this person because they can’t read your mind, love.

And finally I got the VII of Wands which tells me you have a lot of things coming your way right now – which can be overwhelming you.

Take time to focus on each aspect individually and to break things down into more simple pieces.

You’ll find it easier to manage this way and more clearly see the path you need to take here.

Action is the way but with you feeling overrun or defeatedX of Swords – you could be at a standstill.

Take some time for some R&R and get to a place where your head is clear.

The best decisions are the most thought out ones.

So, I hope you enjoyed this lengthy post.

It took me a significant amount of hours after work writing it and though it’s easier to write a blog post in pieces than it is to read Tarot – I need complete and undivided attention for those – this took a lot out of me lol.

I’m really grateful Spirit spoke here and I was able to act as conduit once again.

The connection is easily lost upon lowering frequencies which happens when we are sick or diverting from our higher selves.

You will know.

I look forward to the next entry and will talk to you soon!

Kaila A. Notto

Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2019. All Rights Reserved.

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