Time is flying.
I haven’t had any time do to Tarot readings and it’s stressing me out.
Today I had settled down to do some and received some news about a passing in the family so I am now in a state of grief and cannot perform a reading under this emotional state.
My eyes are burning and my heart is heavy.
It took all of yesterday – Saturday – to recuperate from the long, busy week before it.
Tim really wanted to go to Toronto this past Saturday but we stayed home and I was basically a lump on the couch the majority of the day.
I even took a nap when Mila went down in the afternoon and felt like I could have slept even longer.
Today – Sunday – Tim went to Toronto and I stayed home to get ready for the week ahead knowing it’s going to be another long one.
I am diligently working to increase my knowledge in my career and the best I can describe it is that it feels exactly the same as my university days where I’d spend 8-10 hours in classes and then have to come home to study.
Only “studying” is now both Mila and Tarot – my “education” is my work.
I have been harbouring major feelings of guilt because my time between booking and reading delivery are well within a month-long period at this point.
Sorry it takes so long – It is so very hard to get time to dedicate with my previous obligations with my career and small family but I promise it will be worth the wait!
This weekend, all I could do was rest.
Facial masks were on all day and sleep masks at night – ready to re-hydrate and re-energize my skin after a dry and stressful work week.
It’s not that I find work daunting – I just put a lot of effort in learning and subsequently burn a lot of energy in doing so.
And then I come home and care for Mila which is a lot of work – I don’t care what anyone says lol.
And I think I do things pretty simply!
There has been a lot of reflection this week which is in rhythm with the full moon that is coming in the upcoming day or two as I write this.
My hair is getting long and strong and I’m that much closer to having the long, flowing hair that I have always dreamed of.
I haven’t had a healthy head of hair for nearly two decades!
What with all the chemical dyes and processes I’ve tortured it with over the years.
I always freak out and change my hair during mini crises – ahem, puberty and giving birth -but have learned to deal with my emotions in different ways than ruining my hair lol.
Case in point – Exhibit A: Purple days before Mila
I had this long, beautiful natural head of hair that I spent almost three years growing out.
It took me less than two hours to ruin it.
I bleached it, half of it crumbled away and the rest I slathered with Manic Panic in Ultra Violet.
I liked it for like half a second and then cried.
Pregnancy hormones were wild!
This was me a couple of days before I had my daughter!
It fell out and I had to have a barber shave it all off about two weeks post-delivery.
This was the last selfie I took before popping my girl out!
After the first few months of suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum I thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy.
I was terrified deep down but I was also ecstatic.
The night I was induced I semi-broke down in the shower and asked that I please survive labour because I was so utterly terrified.
I’ll never forget that!
Although after it was all over I thought “hey that wasn’t so bad! Lets do this again!” – Haha.
It’s still surreal for me to think that this feisty little human lived inside me for nine months and then boom – she’s walking and talking.
My baby boy was always there to give me some calming vibrations when needed, too!
Watching Mila and Fred play together also makes my heart very happy – he’s been there for her since the start!
I can feel this photo lol.
I cannot wait one day to try for baby #2!
I think I’ll be a lot less scared – even though I think I took it relatively well for how sick I was.
And I think every Mom always worries.
It’s in our nature.
I was induced on the 6th of May and Mila was born at 8:07PM on May 7th – but they put her birth time ahead by almost ten minutes which I found out about later lol.
At least I know for when she wants to read her natal chart smh lol.
This is turning into a semi-birth story haha!
I think I am just super excited to have this website as an outlet as opposed to just social media.
It also relaxes me to know if Insta goes for a shit I have all of this on here!
Every day I go to work I think to myself “wow, if I hated my job, leaving her would be so extremely difficult.”
This was a photo I took on my lunch break lol at work this week.
My daycare provider is an earth angel – along with her family – and I now consider them family myself.
I can’t even begin to list the ways in which she is amazing.
It is so important that I have the peace of mind while I am at work.
There have been days where I become so consumed in my work that hours pass by without my thinking of Mila and I think “SHIT! My baby!” as though my not thinking of her for half-a-second will do her harm lol.
I have texted my provider – I’m keeping her identity anonymous for privacy reasons – that I was engulfed in anxious thought whether it’s me thinking Mila is going to choke, or smother, or whatever – you name it I’ve worried about it – and she sends me a photo immediately to reassure me.
She eases my fears by telling me stories of other moms who worry just like I do and that it is normal – though some of the things that come out of my head and mouth are far from lol.
She makes me feel at ease and that’s difficult to do if you know me!
I’ve mentioned it before but healing is not linear and truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get over losing my Mom the way I did or my grandparents, or how it changed my life entirely.
I’m doing considerably well but I struggle like the rest of humanity with the tough stuff.
It’s mostly because I genuinely miss the people who have gone even though I one hundred percent know they aren’t actually gone.
It’s super hard to eloquently express – though I’m trying.
I guess the message here is that it’s not like to heal you become made of stone but rather flexible enough to bend during the periods of high winds.
I remember the first time I used a grinding disk as shown in the above photo.
The wheel kicked back because I was unsure of the pressure and angle but once I got the hang of it – I was grinding and buffing little fabricated parts till my heart was content.
I wake up each day in awe of myself because I was my own worst enemy at one point in time.
And some days I’m still that girl on the kitchen floor with Mom in 2014.
Time completely stopped for me when that event happened so anything after that has been imprinted into my consciousness with burning clarity.
The changes are palpable.
I had such little self confidence and trust in anything other than the programming instilled within me before 2014.
I was on a semi-conscious course thanks to my higher self and guides offering me glimpses before my awakening that lead me to choose my current career.
It was only after my awakening though did I fully embrace my tradesman within and open my mind to the fact that maybe I could do this.
When I first started I thought I’d fucked up huge.
When I got to work in the industrial manufacturing industry of steelmaking for the first time I thought I’d fucked up huge – again – because I was so overwhelmed and afraid of my surroundings.
Now it’s like I’m completely immersed in trades as a second language.
Hell – I was taught French for years in school and no offence lol but je ne comprends pas!
But trades talk eventually became natural to me.
Like a second language.
I weirded the guys out –
again lmao – by saying we were all probably together in a lifetime some years back in an Asian country as farmers or in a little town as blacksmiths or something.
It would take pages for me to give you all of the information that lead me to that conclusion but that’s for another time!
I think that grief is a major catalyst for change and today it brings me with the clarity to combine my “identities” as tradesperson, writer, mama and mental health advocate.
I am trying to be honest with you and am working through it by writing.
This website in itself is therapeutic and if you’ve come this far…
I’d like to share a little about my daily life before I wrap this up.
I wake up each weekday morning at 5:03 am and head downstairs for a coffee before heading back up to the shower.
Normally I use this time to meditate because I’m fresh from sleep, energized and ready to prepare for the day.
Mila doesn’t usually rouse till about 6:30 am so I have about an hour and a half to meditate, shower, coffee and put my face on.
Makeup is my art and I use Olay anti-aging products extensively to create a barrier between the steelmaking environment and my skin.
I don’t cake anything on – I simply utilize my creams as barriers – Olay Hyaluronic Acid Cream, SPF-15 Age-Defying Day Lotion and Olay Touch of Foundation Moisturizer.
Then I seal it off with L’Oreal Infallible 16-Hour Powder, Essence’s Spacelighter and Physician’s Formula Butter Bronzer.
Lol that sounds like a lot but it took me years to get the perfect combo of products for my skin so I don’t fucks with it anymore!
I’m also loving Milani’s Lipsticks – I bought three! – because they’re so moisturizing without the sticky mess, have a great applicator and pigment!
Not an ad – for the people who need this stuff to stay on all day plus actually care for the skin in the meantime.
I seriously am in love with Olay, Physician’s Formula and L’Oreal products.
Since I started wearing my hair down because it’s finally long enough – I’ve also received some lovely compliments at work which is nice for a lady to hear, ya know!
One even said I looked more relaxed and I think I might have looked a lil uptight with the ponytail lmao.
I am making every effort to keep my workplace anonymous so I believe what I post is generic to any steel mill.
Like this here half-coil and manlift!
I am licensed to operate these things though I haven’t in a while!
I was out checking in with the foreman of our roofing repair contractors to see how it was going before we closed up for the weekend.
We have to think of things like ensuring the building is sealed in case of rain and that everything is cleaned up and put away safely.
I think it would be extremely difficult to do what I do without mechanical trades knowledge.
I just found out how a toilet is installed and had to arrange for plumbers to snake our floor drain due to a clog – the life of a buildings guy!
I’m a “mechanical maintenance planner” who works directly under an equipment specialist millwright.
I attend all the scoping and meetings and facilitate safe work permit meetings and more.
Most currently I am learning about how to heat trace a pipe and how transfer lines work.
Still one of the most enjoyable skills I’ve acquired is to know how to use a pedestal grinder.
Because when I first started trade-school I asked the shop teacher “do the sparks hurt?” lmao!
I have cut myself with an angle grinder after using gloves that were a size too big.
It stopped at my fingernail before I pulled back and let go of the trigger on the tool.
I’ve also touched a bearing heating up on an induction heater because I had no idea what that was.
Mistakes are our best teachers.
This is also why personal protective equipment – PPE – and knowing how to properly use it is so important.
Like how you shouldn’t use gloves when operating a pedestal grinder.
Or not to use gloves that aren’t snug to your hands.
And my safety goggles and hart hat have saved my ass more than once!
Once I didn’t put a whip-check on an airline to an impact gun and it blew off the gun and into my face and knocked my hard hat straight off my head.
That would have otherwise been my face.
These were also choices I made though my employer challenges us to think before each action we take to ensure we go home in once piece.
So as the day draws to an end and another week flies by into the abyss of the past – I hope you had an enjoyable one.
Hug your loved ones tight and remember that we’re only here for a flicker.
I am deeply appreciative of my loved ones both present and departed and look forward to continuing this journey with you all.
Originally I wasn’t going to share this story but what the hell.
Last Friday at work a coworkers Mom came through to me spiritually and it was so wonderful to get the signs that I did – so accurately and vivid – that I want to share here.
This person popped up in my mind as I was meditating and I also thought of “daisies”, the television show “Fantasy Island” and “yellow”.
I asked this person if they were willing to hear my weird spiritual message and they accepted – to my relief – and I asked about these things.
I knew his Mom had passed away years ago but what he told me blew me away because I was again able to understand the way Spirit connects.
I said that I knew daisies weren’t yellow but if that meant anything, and he said that he bought “yellow daffodils” after his Mom died and had put them on his desk at work.
Then I asked about the show and he said it was her favourite – when it aired new episodes in the ’80s he said she’d be sure she wasn’t disturbed when she watched it!
I was blown away by the messages and happy to relay the hello – even if that’s all I could give for now.
He also told me a story pertaining to the one I shared in a recent post about my Mom being in a coma which validated my thoughts on that and reincarnation – overall a beautiful end to a busy week.
And we’re about to do it all again.
Kaila A. Notto
Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2019. All Rights Reserved.