2020 marks six years since Mom died and I have worked diligently to overcome the mental health trauma that her death caused me. She was my best friend and so were my grandparents up until they all died within a year-and-a-half of one another.
I’m here to share this story as well as my career in the skilled trades to offer other people a unique view into a person’s life…
As of January 2020 I am a wife and a mother to a beautiful little girl.
I’m also thoroughly enjoying my career and none of this progress would have been possible had I have let the trauma I experienced take over me.
I choose to write about it and highlight the joys of my life as I think each one is a gift.
Please enjoy the following photos of me and my loved ones; Moo-Moo, Mom and Grandpa.
When I decided not to go through with the suicidal thoughts that consumed me after Mom died, I learned a lot about myself and the world around me.
She died in front of me in our family home and my life changed completely after that.
I was in for the fight of my life but I did not realize just how crucial the role of self-acceptance was going to be in the play that was my new life.
Above all, I accept me.
Some days I sit there and look at the people who are talking about being shadow banned on social media – please google if that is a new term for you – and at first, this concept almost caught me up in its web.
I thought “what’s the point of using social media to inform people if what I hashtag is being secretly admonished?”
But then I remembered Rudolf Steiner (1861-1925) who didn’t have social media yet still made an impact.
He wrote literature and lectured to those who would listen in a time where heresy could see him killed.
He thought that what he believed in was important enough so the man wrote and lectured until his final days.
It is people like him who I aspire to be – fearless and an advocate of what I believe in despite the hardships or roadblocks that befall me during my time.
I know enough to know that my words will reach the right eyes – or ears! – and I am satisfied by knowing that my children will have access to my words and videos as a resource upon my death.
I’ve asked my husband to keep this website going even if I manage to die sooner than my wish as an old grandma with him by my side in the distant future.
We all die and my only wish is that I hope I go first lol.
At first, I found it extremely difficult to decide on how I wanted to portray myself to the world.
Should I be a skilled trades advocate in full force now that I’ve gained some public speaking and career-based confidence through Spirit?
Or should I keep the skilled trades to myself and focus solely on tarot and spirituality?
The reality is that I am all of these things and more.
When I was freshly grieving and stuck in that dark, dark place, I remember walking to my uncle’s car with my father to go pick up a temporary anti-depressant prescription that my family had convinced me to take out of fear I’d self-harm.
Their fears were valid and I vocally stated several times that I wanted to die.
I could relay the more gruesome or intimate ways I’d thought about it but I will spare you the trauma.
Looking out from my eyes it was almost as if the inside me and the outside me were two different people – the suffering was so unbearable that I felt completely dissociated with my body.
I took the medication and immediately realized that I did not want to continue down the path of medication because I didn’t want to be numb; I wanted to know.
When I weaned off medication during university I suffered brain issues and still do to this day – though I credit them for saving my university degree as I don’t think I would have been able to finish it without having had gone on them.
A double-edged sword.
The neurologist I see is a sweet gentleman who insists “I am normal” despite the seizure-like experiences I suffer from time to time.
We’ve done all the tests and I’ve had my license revoked once because of it.
The most recent event was during a pap-smear with my daughter present; I know I am going to pass out and vocalize it but every time I do a witness will say “I think you just had a seizure!”
I know the difference between fainting and the weird – and painful – experience of these provoked attacks that come from simple procedures such as dental work or a regular pap-smear checkup.
The first time it happened was at a friend’s party and I thought someone slammed me against a wall after I passed out from burning my hand on the stove while cooking food there.
When I woke up I was terrified because I was super confused and thought I’d been attacked.
My friends called 911.
I’d been burned and scraped and had my nose, bellybutton and ears pierced several times before I went on medication with absolutely zero issue of fainting prior to taking anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication.
My biggest fear is that I’ll suffer an episode like this and go into cardiac arrest.
Eventually I was diagnosed with Vasal Vagal Syndrome whereas pre-medication I was able to experience physical pain without any fainting or seizing sensations.
The initial symptoms from weaning were “brain zaps” and what felt like my brain rolling around in my head when I shook it.
After experiencing the moment I call my awakening in which I felt Mom coming through to me energetically/spiritually for the first time, I decided that medication would only hinder this natural process and chose leave medication behind.
After all, that feeling provided far more relief than any of the medication I’d ever taken had.
To this day, some of my family members and friends still view the things I say and do as a coping mechanism.
I stand by what I feel and know and it took me a long time to realize that just because I have awakened, that didn’t mean it automatically became my “job” to awaken those around me.
That realization was difficult but necessary for my growth and it also offered me an avenue of acceptance to the ones who were closest to me yet who could not feel or share the same way of thinking.
At first I wanted to shout to the rooftops and exclaim all that I knew – and I tried to – but I was met with people who looked at me wide-eyed and wondering if I’d finally lost my marbles.
I could read it all over their faces.
“Oh no, she’s happy but she’s crazy. Do we commit her or leave her alone because at least she’s not wanting to kill herself anymore?”
Understanding intuition and actively working as conduit means for some uncomfortable situations as I can read and feel the energy that surrounds people – it doesn’t matter what a person looks like or what they say, their energies do all the talking and I can’t shut that off.
I’d never want to shut it off.
I had to re-learn how to interact with people.
Especially those closest to me who seemed to “know me” the best; I had become a different person and this can be an unwelcome change for those who think they’ve known you inside and out all their lives.
It was isolating at first because I felt like people understood that I was happy and were relieved, yet I felt completely alone in this world and yet still completely connected to the energetic world around me.
Talking to the dead can get lonely sometimes, lol.
As I moved forward day by day, hour by hour and on the most difficult days minute by minute, I realized that my worst enemy was not in those people who didn’t understand me, but my enemy was myself for not understanding that it didn’t matter if they understood.
Writing is what I do – it is my safe place and I first got started by doing what is called automatic writing –which is essentially what I’m doing here since I have actively asked Spirit to relay required messages within this post.
I will simply write and refuse to give up despite the voice of Ego which constantly tells me to shut the fuck up.
One thing that has helped me – even when I choose to ignore it – is that Spirit will always be gentle with you whereas Ego is loud and demanding.
Those who speak from a place of Spirit will be as such just like those who speak from a place of Ego will be as such, too.
I talk a little bit about the world that surrounds me regarding societal issues like climate change, government and labelling everything in the post titled “Society” but that is about the extent to which I’ll discuss those matters.
My mission is to empower you enough to think twice and do your research rather than to share each and every thing that I have learned.
Spirituality saved my life and the best thing about it is that the only requirement is that you are alive to be able to experience it.
I mean, dead people do too lol but it’s a totally different world on the other side than it is here.
The thing is, if people are hard-headed enough to believe what they hear without doing the research for themselves, already we are at a divide in places within our lives.
It’s like trying to teach a university level physics course to kindergartners – it simply isn’t appropriate.
No longer will I be addressing societal or governmental issues – I believe in the people who are destined to work as integral members of society that will bring forth the truth and change in these areas when the time is right.
We are already seeing the shift in collective consciousness and it is time I honor my own place and accept that what I can offer is enough without having to piggyback off of popularized issues.
Spirit reminded me of the time I was thinking about dying because when I was in that mindset, nothing else mattered.
Society didn’t matter.
Social media didn’t matter.
Family, friends and those who supported me; nothing mattered.
Depression is an illness that almost caused me to kill myself and looking through the lens of my life now it can be nearly unfathomable for people to think that who I am now almost didn’t happen.
What mattered to me then was figuring out exactly where my best friend went and how and why I could feel her though she’d gone; and if I’m honest, my first resolution was that if I found out that it just “goes black and that’s it” or “it’s all in my head” then I’d go through with my suicide and end it.
I thought I was crazy for thinking that what I was feeling was spiritual life talking to me – I thought it was my inner mechanisms trying to somehow save my life.
My mother’s love literally saved my life; she was able to connect with me despite just having had passed away which, after all the research I’ve done, is an incredible feat.
But then again, our bond was so strong that for me to discredit her will to do so would be impossible; if I were in her shoes I’d have done the exact same thing for her.
It still haunts me because I nearly cut short a beautiful life that is deserving of love and time.
And I tried my best to explain to my heartbroken grandmother that life doesn’t end when the body dies; but she was too overcome by the sadness and despair from the loss of her husband and daughter to continue in this life without them physically here.
In her dying hours I desperately tried the reiki techniques that were new to me and begged for her to stay; but she was a strong-willed woman who did everything on her own terms, including choosing to die so she didn’t have to endure one more Christmas without them.
She had a severe lung infection that she hid; we knew that she was sick but we didn’t think she would die.
Now I honor the three of them; Moo-Moo, Gramps and Mom in creating this website as a resource for people who are seeking the answers that I once did.
There are enough spiritual people and witches out there to regurgitate the same material via memes on social media and so I’ve stepped back from trying to become accepted as a witch or tarot reader on there.
Any time I find myself become too entangled in these things I just let them go; Spirit has yet to lead me astray.
As I restructure my website to convey exactly who I am I will be ensuring that the most important things that I’ve learned will be available here because these things saved my life.
I am hoping that those who are trying to find help or are trying to help a loved one will stumble across my story.
If I can save one life by utilizing the earnest effort I put forth towards trying to distinguish the point of life than I will have completed my mission.
Advocating for the skilled trades takes a bit of a backseat to my mental health advocacy because I cannot photograph myself at work and feel like there are women who are diligently working towards demonstrating that traditionally male roles are available to us – I follow these women on social media and revere the work they put in to their accounts.
And I am always more than willing to talk with people who are interested in it – I hope that I make that very clear as well.
I would not be alive today if I thought that there was nothing after life – therefore my career would not have even happened if I didn’t repair my mental health.
Science and research have taught me that there’s more than what we see and honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever find actual proof about the concepts we cannot measure with instruments but alas, here we are.
It started out as experiments to test what I was learning and it snowballed into my curating a life I could only have dreamed about years prior.
To detail the person I was before this happened would take far too long.
Naïve, complacent, timid, anxious, depressed, obedient – all words that describe pre-2014 me.
It was like a re-birth and I chose to follow my intuition and spiritual messages as they came, even if and when I started to doubt them.
I learned to know what was the “right way feeling” and what was the “Stop! Danger ahead!” feeling and continued my mundane/ordinary life with these features highly activated.
What happened immediately is that I began to flourish at work and accept that I looked different to people consumed with their own ordinary lives, but I really didn’t care.
After all, I was almost dead.
My story nearly ended at my own hand and each breath is a gift that I do not waste by worrying about what others think of me.
There is nothing like a mother’s love and she not only proved that to me postmortem, but she offered me a chance to uncover a future that even I couldn’t imagine and I am still very, very grateful for the opportunity.
I enjoy writing and offering tarot readings via video now that I’ve acquired the skill – and I hope to help as many people as I can with the time I have left.
To end the more serious nature of this post, I shall leave you with one piece of advice as we go forward on this journey together; listen to the signs in the music you hear, watch for the numbers that come your way and try – though it’s hard – to silence the screaming of the world around you to hear the peacefulness that comes as part of our nature.
There is so much more out there for you and though you may not see it now, I promise if you put effort into yourself you will not be disappointed.
Kaila A. Notto
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