My first premonition happened when I was thirteen years old. It scared me to death and I remember hysterically crying with my mom as she sat on my bed reassuring me that she’d live forever – I had just told her “I’m going to have no mother by the time I’m thirty years old.”
I had no idea I’d be right, but at the time, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was enough for me to see it as a perceivable threat. We had just learned about a woman named Barb Tarbox in school and her name still echoes in my mind when I think about the conversation my mother and I had that afternoon. I was telling her about this woman who was pleading with other people to quit smoking cigarettes and I was worried, because my parents and grandmother had all smoked and they had for years.
About a year after that conversation, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, which would be the first type of cancer she’d be introduced to…but not the last. Years later, my mother would be diagnosed with COPD and eventually die from complications from it at the age of fifty-six. I was only twenty-six years old. Mom loved to smoke cigarettes. So did my grandmother; her house was known to smell of smoke almost always and I remember when I was in kindergarten and first took notice of how it affected me.
Looking back, I am deeply fascinated that my five-year-old self was cognizant of the social implications of what was happening but indeed I was. A teacher pulled me aside one morning and asked if I was smoking cigarettes. Me; a five-year-old child. It was because of the way my clothes were soaked in the smell of cigarettes and I told her that my grandmother smoked and her house, the house I always went to in the morning before school, made my clothing reek of it. She never asked me about it again but after that day I started to bring an extra set of clothing hidden in a tied-up plastic bag that I’d bury in my backpack after throwing a dryer sheet in there to keep it smelling clean.
Again, I was five.
Smoking cigarettes rapidly deteriorated both my mother and grandmother. Mom got the worst of it and had COPD which caused her immense suffering whereas my grandmother suffered from asthma and pneumonia frequently due to her impacted lungs. I vowed never to smoke cigarettes because of what I have experienced. When I learned about Barb Tarbox that day at school, my perception completely changed from worrying about the way it made my clothing smell to the way it was affecting the bodies of my loved ones – and I would become enraged when I saw my mother smoking cigarettes after promising us she’d quit already.
It was just too addictive. My father still smokes.
I grew up in the 90’s when cigarette smoke and its harmful effects were just coming into focus socially and I remember watching nighttime television with my mom as she painted her nails with her cigarette lit in the ashtray beside her. I still remember hating the smell of it in the back seat of the car even though “the windows were open.” And I remember the time I had a vivid premonition during a daytime nap in which I imagined my mother dead from smoking. I woke up with my heart in a panic and I screamed out “MOM” as loud as my lungs could manage…and she replied “WHAT? Are you OK?” and I ran downstairs and said “NO! I just had the worst dream that you died…” and told her all about it while I bawled my eyes out as she consoled me.
I wish it were still just a horrible nightmare.
The day that premonition came true was the worst day of my life. I didn’t think I’d survive it but I’m here and I want to share these experiences with you and especially for my own children to read should I, for some reason, die young. I know that sounds morbid but we just don’t know when it will be our last day –though I wish to be old as stated many times.
The energy of the past month has seemingly lifted as we enter into springtime 2020 as I write this. My writer’s block is dissipating as are some of the more uncomfortable symptoms of my recently aggravated anxiety and depression.
I learned a long time ago that reflecting inward during these times can help and I’m grateful for making it to the other side once more. It can feel like an eternity to be suffering these symptoms for so long.
I heard a quote from Maya Angelou the other day and thought it was fitting here. She said: “Every storm runs out of rain.” And how true it is.
I was a very confused child regarding my environment and I hope to utilize my experiences to offer my children and other people some insight into life; though I must remind you that we are all so very unique and my perspective is just one of billions. I want to talk a little bit about how I use my body to gauge the world and environment around me.
These tricks amplify my mediumship qualities and enhance my overall perception of the world that surrounds me. Since I was young, I’ve had the ability to “smell” the seasonal changes in the air. Recently I could smell spring in the air exactly one week to the day that the groundhog predicted an early one. I wish I could describe in words exactly what each season smells like but each is profoundly beautiful and unique. I can also smell the different weather patterns but generally, daily weather predictions tend to be “felt” more than “smelled” lol – and if you haven’t realized that your entire body is a sense organ to your environment and that you can absolutely notice them too, well, have I got a surprise for you!
Visually predicting the weather is the “easiest” — I think — because you can notice the differences quickly and especially if you write down what you see vs what the weather actually does. For example you may notice that the trees sway a certain way before a good rainfall or the color of the sky correlates with either rain or beautiful sunshine that is to come. And don’t get me started on the moon and its power!
My wish is to illuminate the natural abilities we hold within ourselves via body and spirit that allow us to perceive sensitive forces, and these abilities may require further interpreting upon realization of them. When I was a child, I had a very strong sense of discontent when smelling cigarette smoke and now I know why. I would have chalked it up to the fact that a teacher had acknowledged its smell on me but it always felt deeper than that. You can use your body and its respective senses to sense the environment around you, predict certain things and use it to your advantage to live a full, healthy life. Like how I don’t smoke cigarettes and plan to fully inform my children of my mother’s demise after doing so.
It hits me like a brick wall some days in realizing that people I grew up with, people whose voices are imprinted in my mind and soul, people who I love will never physically meet my children. To fully comprehend that my children will never experience my mother’s hugs or hear my grandmother’s hilariously outdated perceptions of the world sometimes becomes unbearable. It keeps me in a perpetual state of gratitude for the ones who are still here; and having Tim’s family reminds me that the ones who left me also gifted me with a family that offers the same love that they did while they were here on this plane. And we are all moving forward, together.
I fully believe that it is because of my spiritual growth and development that my husband and I even happened; we met in what I’m sure was absolute divine timing. And he propelled me to where I am now; supporting my growth and advocacy as I move forward on my journey of healing and helping others. Alas, our twin-flame connection came to fruition and our partnering has given me the strength to bring themindfulmillwright.com to where it is today.
Our mission is love.
I find understanding the connection between body and spirit so detrimental in the fight for mental health; here in the physical we require these support systems and interactions but on the emotional and spiritual level we absolutely have forces that help us in which we cannot see. Bring it all together and we’re offered one hell of an experience while here. In taking the time to reflect on myself and understand the way I personally work as conduit, I have subsequently seen upgrades in my entire life. I am not blind to the fact that I may suffer things in the future that I cannot foresee now, but I am equipped with a mindset that allows me to handle these things as they come, no matter how and when they do. It is something I want to teach my children and other people because it saved my life.
Looking back now, it breaks my heart at the amount of suffering I’d caused myself as a youth and I think having honest and open conversations with my children from a young age will offer them insight into things that I just didn’t have; people still believe children aren’t capable of handling some things but I truly believe that they are a lot stronger than we perceive them to be.
I draw that understanding from my own experience as I was a very cognizant child and explanations from adults would have soothed a lot of the suffering that I held in my mind because I just didn’t understand what was going on.
And when I was a teenager trying to navigate myself in relationships was almost always disastrous because my empathetic self would be drawn to people requiring serious “spiritual” help but at the time I didn’t know that; and these relationships caused me anguish and pain that I now see as completely unnecessary if I would have had the insight I do now. That’s a little excerpt into my past and where I draw inspiration and wisdom from. After all, I speak only of things that have directly happened to me, otherwise I know nothing.
Kaila A. Notto
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