The pain indescribable
When you lose someone you love

The only way I’m dealing with it
Is writing poems to above

Above my frequency level
To the ones who have gone first

Aligning with the same vibration
That makes up our beautiful earth

I feel for Kobe Bryant
And his entire family

As I deal with my own pain in Canada
Thinking of my family in Calgary

My aunt is my mom’s sister
They share the same sweet smile

Though she lives in another province
So having seen it; it’s been a while

Life is way too short
For any simplicity

I’ve lost three people recently
Who were so dear to me

“How am I to write for others…
When I am feeling this way?”

“We’re with you now” my mother says
And it takes some of the pain away

“It doesn’t make it easier!”
“That only I can see!”

“But in time you’ll help the other ones”
“Let it be how it must be”

Torn because I know the truth
About our temporary homes

Seeing grief overtake my loved ones here
Excruciating pain it is; God I know

It hurts to lose a person you love
Doesn’t matter if you can hear Spirit

I grieve like the rest but one thing’s for sure
I’ll remain strong so that I can still hear it

My eyes burn with the tears
My heart aches with the pain

Knowing I may not get to say my goodbyes
But I know my dear family

And I know we are strong
So my Spirit remains at their bedside

We don’t know when we’ll go
Some are here for so long

Becoming grandmas and grandpas
Something my own mother longed

I wish to grow old
I don’t want to die young

But the pain is so awful
Almost too easy to succumb

I’m afraid for myself
Thinking manically about my health

Taken precautions for years
Conscious awareness sure has helped

I eat all my veggies
I drink water each day

And raw fruit’s constant too
But I know that one day

My vehicle will stop working
My pumps and my valves

No manufacturers warranty
On this body that I’ve held

Through sadness and grief
For almost thirty-two years

And I’ve gone through some shit
People my age won’t see for years

You know it is so hard
To be so damn aware

Every kiss, every smile
Every look, every stare…

Etched into my mind
As if it were the last

Because we don’t really know
And it goes by way too fast

The last day I saw Mom
I really didn’t know

That it was our last “Love You Lots!”
Didn’t know she would go

Before I fell asleep
I awoke to her call

I ran down those stairs fast
Thought that she’d had a fall

First my Gramps and then her
Moo-Moo followed soon after

“What the fuck am I going to do”
“They left me out in the rafters”

I felt abandoned here first
But their deaths made it be

I now choose to stay strong
For my daughter to see

I’ll wipe my tears now
And hold them all in my heart

And until we meet again
I’ll use these poems as art

Mom liked when I’d write
Poems for her birthday

Or any occasion, really
I’d roll my eyes at her praise

I still write for her now
And I do write for you

I’m hurting, you’re hurting
But we’ll see this pain through

This poem is dedicated to my beautiful aunt who is suffering a medical emergency in Calgary and to all my family members out there — I wish I was there and I love you so much. My heart hurts today but I remain strong in Spirit with my ancestors, especially Mom, Moo-Moo and Gramps who are most certainly with my family today.

*Update: This poem is now dedicated in memory of my beloved Aunt Sandra. Rest peacefully my beautiful auntie. I know Mom is happy to see you, and I am proud to now have you as a guide. Love you forever.

Kaila A. Notto

Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Published by The Mindful Millwright

Kaila A. Notto

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