Sitting myself on the edge of the bed,
These frightening thoughts start to roll in my head.
What if I forget the sound of her voice?
When it comes to our memories, do I have a choice?
What if I forget the way she made me feel?
She’s been gone for so long it still doesn’t seem real.
What feels like just yesterday I can see her broad smile,
It feels much like that though it has been a while.
These thoughts revved back up and I started to panic,
I walked around mindlessly; my mind going manic.
Suddenly I got a text on my smartphone,
It was just my sister asking if I was home.
“I want to drop by a gift for my niece!”
“It’s nothing too big, just a nice little piece!”
When I went outside and I saw her out there,
She looked at me twice and said “Kaila, I swear!”
“You looked just like Mom there! That was so crazy!”
She did not know that I had been struggling lately.
She couldn’t have known that I needed to hear,
How I reminded her of someone we both held so dear.
My sister is a gift that my parents gave me,
Though when we were young we would fight like crazy.
My mom would just sigh and say “Girls, get along!”
But we’d spend our time saying the other one remains wrong.
My sister became a mother before me,
I think it was on purpose so that I could see.
That there is no way we could ever forget,
The woman who shaped us and called us her “pet”.
We walk around now still doing the things,
That remind us of her and what her love would bring.
We do all the things that she did for us,
It reminds us of her and how love cannot rust.
Love cannot be spoiled or degraded away,
It shines within us and our lives every day.
When I performed her eulogy on that terrible day,
I swore on my life that we would be okay.
I said that I’m proud that she found us our dad,
So I’d find one like him to be sure that she’s glad.
We have our husbands now and our lives have gone on,
But she’s always right here, Mom’s never truly gone.
If you have lost your mom, I want you to know,
That your love doesn’t die, it continues to flow.
Through your words and your actions and all that you do,
Your life a result of how her love shaped you.
Go on with your head high because now you know,
That her body is gone but her love will still show.
In the ways that you imprint the others in life,
On your husband or children or friends or your wife.
It would have been shameful for me to give in,
To the darkness and all the pain that was within.
It hurt like such hell to watch my mother die,
There were some days I did not think I’d cry.
Because I thought I had dried up my own well,
It was on my darkest day that I almost really fell.
What saved me was not any drug or some words,
But realization inside me that my prayers had been heard.
I could feel her and hear her even though she was still gone,
“What the hell is happening? Has my sanity gone?”
It turns out she heard me and she was desperate too,
She thought “Oh my God! My death can’t kill you too!”
So she made me realize that we don’t really die,
It was real hard at first and it still made me cry.
But I listened and trusted the feeling within,
It’s been nearly six years now and I’m so glad I did.
I almost cut my life much shorter than fate,
Because of the grief my mind was so irate.
Now that I am a new mother myself,
I realize how profound that love is that I felt.
I would do it for Mila if I died suddenly,
I’d make sure that she knew and told our family.
How “Mom didn’t die but her body sure did!”
“She may not be here but her energy is…”
It can be so hard when you can’t hear her voice,
But you can if you manage to shut off inner-noise.
When I panicked that day I was given more signs,
That she is right here and that everything’s fine.
Some days I still worry; some days I’m a mess,
But I will never just let this profound message rest.
Mother’s Day can be hard for people like me,
Especially the ones who simply cannot see.
I promise you, love, she’s shining right on,
Beside you each day, from dusk until dawn.
She watches you sleep, gently stroking your hair.
Until you are real old and you go meet her there.
Haha! That last line! Well, it gave me a laugh!
It sounded much worse but I’ll leave it at that.
I hope I can offer a smile or a laugh.
If today is hard for you, please go sit in the bath.
Sit with the memories that are dear to you.
She is right there and she remembers them too.
It might be more different than you guys expected,
But your prayers have been heard and your requests respected.
You asked for a sign and one that is made clear,
She heard you’re upset so she sent you right here.
I know that it’s hard but we’re in this together,
The heavy in your heart should be light as a feather.
Go about your day and look up to the sky,
She is right beside you but please still say “Hi!”
She’s never too far, she would never leave you,
She’ll show you these poems so you’re not so blue.
She misses you and loves you, she’ll never forget.
And neither will you…so please go get some rest.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom and I hope this makes you proud.
Until we meet again, please have fun in the clouds.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas, especially the ones who are missing their own today.
Kaila A. Notto
Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2020. All Rights Reserved
Sitting myself on the edge of the bed,