The Mindful Millwright

Who am I?
I am not fictional.

Why, then?
Do I write my life as fiction?

Why, then?
Do I feel as though I must?

Curating stories about a character
Though that character is me.

Why, then?
Have I listened to the critics?

Why, then?
Have I stopped listening to myself?

I deleted my fictional series
To portray a real-life me.

I want to talk about Toronto
I want to talk about so much.

I want to write about the food
That is so good it induces my writing.

Tan-tan miso ramen from Misoya
Or the food from Saigon Lotus.

Little local Toronto hot spots
That I frequently enjoy.

So that maybe you can, too
Find the places to enjoy.

I am The Mindful Millwright
She is not a fictional character.

She is me and I am her
We are forever intertwined.

She is a tradesperson by day
All the grinding, grit and gears.

She is a homemaker by night
Tending to her child and her husband.

She is a healer at her leisure
Writing pieces to help you along.

Why do we yearn for love?
But not love ourselves the same way?

Why do we yearn for others?
When it is us who needs our loving.

I love the person that I am
My mother loved me first.

To show me how to love
To show me how to share it.

I will no longer try to deny
That I am a product of that love.

I wish to offer you some love
That same love that has healed me.

I do not care about the silly things
Like the brands of clothing that I wear.

I do not care about the silly things
Like the ugly criticism I receive online.

I do not care about the silly things
That I used to care so much about.

I only care for stillness
To comfort my inner disquiet.

I only care for friendship
From those who offer it selflessly.

I only care for love
When it does not come with a price-tag.

I only care for truth
Because truth is what saved my life.

I only care for faith
Because faith is a life-line.

Holding you above water
Until more help arrives.

I am The Mindful Millwright
I have fought valiantly to be here.

I fought for my life once
I battled deep depression.

I fought for my life once
I won that goddamn battle.

I fought for my life once
I was so close to death.

I fought for my life once
Shattered by inconsolable grief.

I fought for my life once
Did someone shoot me in the heart?

I fought for my life once
No, that was my mother’s death.

I fought for my life once
My grandma watched her daughter die.

I fought for my life once
I watched my grandma die of heartbreak.

I fought for my life once
Because I did not think it was worth it.

I fought for my life once
Their lives had meant something.

I fought for my life once
Even though they left me here.

I fought for my life once
I know others are still fighting.

I still fight for my life
Because I know that it is worth it.

I still fight for my life
Because I know you think it’s hard.

I still fight for my life
To show that hard is sometimes worth it.

I still fight for my life
Because we are only given one.

I am Kaila A. Notto
I am The Mindful Millwright.

I post sensual photos on Instagram
That attract some hateful messages.

I am provocative on social media
Some people do not approve.

One day my body will die
My kids will see those photos.

They will see me in my golden days
In my younger days of youth.

What I would give now
For more photos of my mother.

To see her photographed unapologetically
Displaying the vibrant life that she was.

One day my face will wrinkle
This process has already begun.

I hope I live long enough to wrinkle
A sure-sign of conquered youth.

One day my body will change
It has changed so much already.

One day I will not be here
My photos will be all that’s left.

Forever The Mindful Millwright
Long after I have passed away.

Like the frozen timelines of others
Who have since passed away.

My written work and memories
Are part of my children’s future.

Left behind for them to remember
The mother that they had.

Their mother who lost her own
But decided to keep on living.

Despite the pain it caused her
Like it will cause my kids one day.

Age does not matter much
When a person dies.

My mother was too young
My grandparents were indeed old.

A full life lived or one cut short
It only matters that they’re gone.

There will be no shame or criticism
On my Instagram feed if I die.

Instead they will send condolences
Offering words to my loved ones left behind.

Not commenting rudely on my body
Though I’ll haunt them if they do.

Things change upon a passing
We do not speak ill of the dead.

Perhaps we could use that logic
To not speak ill of anyone at all.

It seems that’s all anyone does
Is comment hateful this or that.

Vying for the next person
To attract a viral witch-hunt.

I have put down the media
Social and mainstream, too.

To take a break for clarity
I was struggling for some air.

I have recollected myself
I know exactly who I am.

I am Kaila A. Notto
I am The Mindful Millwright.

I may be a lot of things
But I will not stifle any of them.

I may see a lot of spiteful criticism
But will not perpetuate it with attention.

I may see a lot of constructive criticism
I will take it all with a grain of salt.

I may see a lot of roadblocks
But I will keep pushing through them.

I am Kaila A. Notto
I am The Mindful Millwright.

I have been through worse
Yet I still stand here tall.

I will go through worse
But I still stand here tall.

So now it is your turn
To tell me who you are.

I am Kaila A. Notto
It is very nice to meet you.

Kaila A. Notto

Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2020. All Rights Reserved.


















Published by The Mindful Millwright

Kaila A. Notto

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