Morning Coffee

I do not envy celebrities
I envy grown old people.

The ones who’ve watched family grow
The ones who get to go before everyone.

I do not envy celebrities
Fame is just not enough.

There is no amount of fame
To replace the experience of love.

The way my husband looks at me
The way my daughter calls my name.

That makes me feel important
Like I am my own celebrity.

I do not envy the wealthy
Money is just not enough.

You cannot pay to relive the past
It is not a remedial experience.

Therefore money is not enough
I cannot use it to go back in time.

Mom’s kisses were enough payment
For me to live a life filled with love.

Filled to the brim, like a rich person
Only my wealth is in the form of love.

I envy the old men and women
Who watch their families grow.

Experiencing new life, weddings and more
The joys that come with a fully lived life.

They have a secret
The happiest, luckiest.

They have experienced pain
That is why they smile so bright.

I understand this now
Having lost my mother.

She was everything to me
The love of my life for sure.

She called me hers
Life was good then.

Once after a long coma
She actually woke up.

I said “Holy shit, Mom…”
“You almost died, you know.”

She did not remember
That brought me comfort.

She did not remember either
The coma or falling unconscious.

So when it happened again
Knowing that brought me peace.

Knowing the transition was easy
Knowing at least she did not suffer.

I held on to her
During her death.

I kissed her forehead
Let her know I was okay.

I did not believe it then
It took her finding me.

It took her spiritual presence
To keep me from joining her.

How could I give life?
Knowing what I knew?

Knowing the immense pain?
That losing her made me feel?

These days I watch my daughter
The way she would watch me.

Knowing that my love is enough
Because hers transformed me.

Knowing that my love is enough
To sustain her after I am gone.

Knowing that my love is enough
Reverberated through my poetry.

Our loved ones never leave
If they did I wouldn’t be here.

I would have joined the silence
A long, long time before now.

I am alive now
Life means to live.

So I truly live
A meaningful life.

Sharing the love
That she gave me.

Reminding you, too
That they’ll never leave.

Reminding you, too
That love is enough.

Reminding you, too
That they are here.

Reminding you, too
Because we forget.

The mundane suffering makes us forget
The eternal happiness we experience.

This life is but mere a pit stop
On our never ending journey.

I no longer envy
Anyone but myself.

Because I would not have believed it
That I would have been able to do it.

To transform immense pain
To create immense pleasure.

So I write to remind you
To tell you that you can.

That the impossible
Is indeed possible.

You will see
They tell me so.

Kaila A. Notto
The Mindful Millwright

Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Published by The Mindful Millwright

Kaila A. Notto

2 thoughts on “Morning Coffee

    1. Thank you, though these no longer feel painful to write, I do feel catharsis in the sense of community support for this type of writing brings. Knowing I’m not alone, per se. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement!


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