I Can’t Explain It

I can’t explain it
But I can try to.

The creeping emptiness
The threat of eventual return.

The way it draws my breath
Sucked right from my lungs.

The longing
The despair.

Knowing I can’t change it
But wishing that I could.

I can’t explain it
But I can try to.

Choking the words from my mouth
Hands wound tight around my neck.

So I squeeze through
To try and explain.

It just hurts
It just hurts.

So you sit there with the pain
Allow it to fully consume you.

Knowing it will pass
Praying it does soon.

Because you can’t explain it
Though you really want to.

To those who see you suffer
And wonder why it’s not better.

To those who witness it
Helplessly unable to help.

I can’t explain it
But I can try to.

The unknown and the not knowing
The feeling of total incompetency.

Until it’s all over
Till you’ve learned.

It’s too hard to describe
Too terrifying, also.

Why detail it to you, then
Only to drag you with me?

Why should we both have to peril
In my dark and emptied mind?

I can’t explain it
I don’t want to.

To try and save you
From its grips too.

I smile and shrug my shoulders
I do not mean to brush you off.

I just do not know how to explain it
Sometimes I cannot try to, either.

So I choose to suffer
In utter silence instead.

Gasping for some new air
Until its chokehold lessens.

Until I can take a breath
And reel myself in again.

Day by day
Sometimes.

Minute by minute
Most other times.

Until I’m reminded
That I’m still here.

Lucky enough to be breathing
Despite the horrible intruder.

Lucky enough to see the sun
After feeling that cold darkness.

Even though I can’t explain it
I will sure as hell keep trying to.

Kaila A. Notto
Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2020. All Rights Reserved

Published by The Mindful Millwright

Kaila A. Notto

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