This blog has already made me a lot more accountable.
The New Year prompted me to make some changes; not as resolutions, but to prepare my body for maternity for the second time.
My anticipation and excitement for being pregnant has replaced my cravings for a drink or two.
Spiritually, I totally understand the effects that alcohol has on my body.
I chose to ignore that for a very long time.
Not only does drinking affect my body but it hinders the conversations I have with my guides and unborn child.
It is time for me to say goodbye to my beloved beer.
My job is going really well and I’m so happy there.
I have been working onsite since the pandemic started and I am thankful for that. These days work serves as social interaction, too.
Working as a tradesperson is more satisfying than I thought a job could be. I never expected to love a job as much as I do now.
Preparing for maternity leave means organizing my work to leave my coworkers in a strong position when I go. I am simultaneously nervous and excited to leave and come back.
Before I had my daughter, I was the type of woman who vowed to let her husband take the maternity leave. That’s how much I enjoy my career.
But it wasn’t always that way.
Working retail throughout my student career, it soured my taste for public service.
People can be really mean to service workers and having worked in that industry for ten years made me especially sensitive to strangers.
Being a Sociology major meant that I was to pursue social work, but instead I chose millwrighting after taking a year off post-graduation.
My most recent job had been in cosmetics and the world of skilled trades and the manufacturing industry was extremely new to me.
It took me a while to become confident and comfortable in learning the language and culture of my trade, but before my mom died, I had a really difficult time learning just about anything.
After I discovered conscious awareness and third-eye sight, I realized I had the potential to learn and retain more information than I had given myself credit for.
Slowly, I forced myself to accept the mistakes that would enable me to learn. I asked more questions and stopped caring about how other people perceived me.
As a female in a male dominated industry, that was a difficult challenge for my ego to overcome.
There are still days I struggle with imposter syndrome but it takes a lot less time to dismantle those thoughts these days.
What exactly do I do in a day for work?
I plan for an annealing line in steel manufacturing, so I organize jobs that will repair and replace equipment on that line.
Some of the equipment includes furnaces, coolers and bases which are loaded with pipelines, electrical conduit and mechanical equipment.
Most of the time it is a reactive process, meaning a motor blew and we must replace it now, rather than a proactive line with scheduled maintenance.
Our mills are notorious for proactive maintenance, otherwise known as preventative maintenance.
The reason for this is that our equipment is so old we have reliability information to know almost exactly when something will go kaput, and we prepare for it well in advance.
Then we do a quick swap and go!
My operation usually shuts down once or twice a year for extensive maintenance because we have several bases in use at a time; we can work on each base individually rather than how if our mill equipment goes down, then the entire mill goes out of operation.
I have been working in this industry for almost a decade and there has never been a day where I don’t learn something new, whether that’s information about the equipment or a skill to put under my belt as a tradesman.
It is extremely rewarding work.
My mental health has been oscillating, but I’m doing well.
One unfortunate side-effect of watching my mother die was the trauma-induced fear of everyone dying in my arms.
It was bad, to the point where I would wake my poor father up because I thought he had passed away. He understood.
When I had my daughter, I was so joyful but immediately terrified of her dying.
It requires daily effort for me to keep death anxiety in check and if unattended, some of my worst nightmares can grow into fully-blown panic attacks.
The thoughts have all come across my mind like a maternal for-you-page from hell.
From driving accidents to drowning, smothering, SIDS, falling, cutting, murdering’s, etc. I have thought through nearly every terrible scenario you can imagine as a parent.
When this starts to happen I automatically redirect my thoughts to the now and remind myself that she is alive, safe and I am experiencing a side-effect of trauma.
That sounds a lot easier to say than it is to perform, but I have had the benefit of seven years experience on my healing journey.
It takes time.
All I can do is further educate myself on natural healing techniques and be mindful of my diet which supports my mental health.
Until the next entry, these have been entirely therapeutic so I thank you again for sharing in this writing project with me.
Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to ask questions or drop topic discussion ideas below or on social media!
by Kaila A. Notto
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