Day 3 of 365 Days of Writing
by Kaila A. Notto
In meditation I had asked my spirit guides to help me better explain the connection we have.
It is unique to every single individual.
The way I started to communicate with my spirit guides began with thoughts of suicide.
My attempt at CPR didn’t save my mom even though I was there when it happened and between the grief and the guilt I was starting to unravel; I wanted to die.
With a feeling in my stomach I will never forget and tears pouring out of my eyes, I was thinking of ways to end my life. How to make it easier on my family, the letters to write them. How to go about it painlessly.
How could I carry on after not being able to save my best friend?
I felt so alone in that moment.
Then as I taped a photo onto the board, I got that sinking feeling like I was being watched but it felt different.
I still have trouble explaining it, but I could feel my mom’s reaction to my thoughts and her desperate attempt to reach me.
As a skeptic, I was intrigued at how this connection interrupted the immense grief I was feeling; was my dead mom actually speaking to me or was I officially insane?
I thought that if there was any chance at all that what I was feeling was spiritual, I owed it to her to investigate.
It took several signs, books, research and trust to comprehend and validate what I was experiencing.
It really began to anchor in that what was going on was real when I rapidly manifested the life I had dreamed about since being a little girl.
It still shocks me that I am here now after years of struggle before her death and at first it was bittersweet; it changed my life but it took her death to really open my eyes to the realities of life not taught in school.
I had told myself that if I found out this was all in my head, that I would go through with my original plan.
Today as a most honoured mother and wife, I advocate for suicide awareness because of that experience.
Life can be very painful and I hope to help ease the pain of others through sharing my story.
“How did your mother die?”
My mom had COPD – Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder which made it difficult to breathe. It was a result of longtime cigarette smoking. The evening of November 15, 2014 my father went to work on nightshift and I was home alone with my mom. Mom made us steak and eggs for dinner and we had a good night watching our shows and spending time together. Shortly after 3:00 am, I heard my mom call my name from the kitchen downstairs. When I got to her she said “Kaila, didn’t you hear me? I called you.” between breaths and I replied “Sorry Mom, no I was asleep, I didn’t. What’s wrong?” Sitting on the floor, she was gasping for air. I called 911 and took her vitals on the phone to give to the operator. Because I was in a t-shirt I told her I was going to run upstairs to throw pants on, call my dad and pee. She nodded and that was the last time I saw her alive. I was gone for 42 seconds, the phone call log from my dad confirmed that. When I came back down and rounded the corner (I was rushing so fast!) I saw her lying face up on the floor. She was gone. Going into automatic mode I did what I remembered from previous lessons and screamed her name through each compression. Once the paramedics arrived and took over they tried for 30 minutes until they got a pulse. She was in a coma for 5 days until we let her go once confirmation of no brain activity was finalized. Throughout her stay I didn’t leave her bedside and was basically on top of her half the time begging her not to die. One moment I remember vividly was crying while lying beside her and feeling a hand touch my shoulder, only to look up and no one was there. I had so many regrets and so much trauma from that experience. Honestly, even some of my family members did not expect me to survive that considering how close we were until her death. Thankful to be my mother’s daughter; her life and death impacted me in ways that profoundly changed the course of my soul’s direction and I am eternally grateful for her.
To best describe how to communicate with energy, it comes in feeling and using those feelings, I then ask my tarot cards which use images to describe that feeling that I can then translate into words.
The magic of tarot is that people like myself, regular people with typical jobs and families can learn and benefit from it as a tool.
I have used my decks to ask guidance on important decisions and they have yet to misdirect me; trusting myself is the bigger obstacle.
Thank you so much for reading and my condolences to those experiencing the loss of a loved one. Time heals.
by Kaila A. Notto
Business Name: Cowabunga Pizzeria
Service Type: Pizza Place
Location: Upper Wellington, Hamilton, Ontario
Experience: We got the GG Pizza (Green Goddess) and it was to die for. Between the generous pesto drizzle and the kale and broccoli topping mix, I wanted to eat half a pizza to myself it was so good! The dough tastes like sourdough and perfectly compliments the fresh cheese, including parmesan. Definitely recommend for any #hamOnt pizza lovers.