Death doesn’t scare me.
Though it used to terrify me entirely; the uncertainty, the finality, everything about it felt wrong.
But after my spiritual awakening I wondered to myself why I considered a natural event so scary.
I think it is because I was taught that it is an ending, whereas it is another beginning.
Death is not something to fear and I have found peace in my understanding of what happens after our bodies die.
The way it has impacted my life is substantial; I go to great lengths to preserve and cherish my bodily and mental health whereas before my awakening, I was reckless with it all.
Now I enjoy every moment, or at least try to; taking in my surroundings and soaking in the everyday.
On January 4th I drank my last beer.
You wouldn’t think that one or two beers a day would accumulate into anything worthwhile, but I think it did.
The clarity I have during the day at work is unmatched and my productivity has skyrocketed.
And my stamina for parenting, cleaning, cooking and chores in the evening is higher than it has ever been; I never expected to feel this much of a difference.
Knowing that the springtime draws closer and my next pregnancy isn’t far behind is also giving me butterflies of excitement and additional motivation to release alcohol from my life.
Plus this time around, I am hell-bent on attempting breastfeeding because I was defeated with my daughter and it upset me because I tried.
It spiraled me downwards postpartum because of how painful and frustrating the experience was.
My sister breastfed her kids and advocated for it while totally supporting my formula-fed baby venture!
I have always looked up to her despite my being older; my mom used to tell me she was a gift for me and she was right about that.
She is my go-to for anything parenting and has remained my best friend and confidante since the day our mother died.
Oh, and that I am totally jealous of her talent or anything, but she has ridiculous art talent and baking skills, which you can check out here on IG if interested (she caters to the GTA!)
As I continue to plug away at my life, I still look around in awe of where I am now compared to where I was this exact time in 2014.
If I had any clue it would have turned out this good and my relationship with my mother would be this peaceful, I would have slept a lot easier!
But each morning that I wake up next to a bright-eyed little soul that calls me “Mom” I am reminded of how lucky I am to have not allowed guilt to kill me.
My mom’s love gave me the strength to persevere and because of that, I thrive and owe her my life anew.
She was also really big on holidays and used to give us the best gifts.
Her reaching me spiritually and saving me was the greatest gift; our relationship stronger than ever despite our abrupt and jarring interruption when she died.
To be honest, if roles were reversed, I would have made sure she felt my presence, too.
We are here for such a short time; parenting has sped this up for me tenfold.
Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate you more than you know and hope my experiences can help someone else out.
by Kaila A. Notto
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