Kobe Bryant and Global Mourning

It has taken me aback at the collective mourning and grief experienced over the death of Kobe Bryant and the affected families who suffered that horrific tragedy most recently. On the same day that happened I found out that my mother’s sister — a beloved aunt of mine living in a different province with her family — had suffered a fatal aneurysm nearly identical to the one that almost killed my grandfather at one time.

He lived for another ten years after his and though life was never the same for us after that, we were appreciative of the extra time we got with him. Unfortunately we as a family had to say goodbye to a beloved matriarch, friend and someone who supported me in the early hours of my own mother’s death.

The only solace I had was knowing that they were together along with my grandparents. My goal is to be as open and honest with you as I can and as an advocate for natural healing and mental health, I think now is an excellent time to reflect as there are so many of us feeling an array of emotions and thoughts at this time. As I write this, the past week has illuminated things for me significantly.

In mid-January (2020) I hit a spiritual wall and had begun the process of working on some personal demons that I couldn’t seem to shake. The negative symptoms of depression and anxiety had amplified and I was having a really hard time personally; insomnia began, energy levels were low and I’d spend time crying each day. It was a lot of things that slowly started adding up; Dad’s hospital stay over the holidays and coordinating home care, an abrupt department change at work and being extremely sick for the remaining two days I had off of work during Christmas.

All of the time I had booked off was spent either at the hospital or at Dad’s getting things ready for his return. Now, I’m not saying that caring for my dad aggravated my depression…I’d do anything for him. It was worrying whether or not he’d be okay for the entire duration which caused me an immense amount of stress and emotional turmoil. The two days I had left of my remaining vacation time was spent trying not to die as Tim and I suffered food poisoning after grabbing a pizza; Mila (thank GOD) didn’t want any and didn’t eat it, therefore saving her from the illness we suffered.

Tim’s parents had to take her because we physically could not care for her for an entire day and on our last day we watched movies, sipped broth and barely left the couch. I allowed myself as much time as I needed to feel through the lower vibrations running through my body, and now that I am finally feeling like I am in a position of clarity where I can express this experience in words, I wish to offer you these personal insights. A month feels like a very long time to be suffering and I was thrown through a loop when my symptoms came back.

It started just after Christmas when things seemed to settle down and we were even lucky enough to be able to purchase our first forever home as a family. Originally we were planning on taking a trip to Aruba this coming February but one day I woke up and had such a terrifying, immense fear of flying that I told my husband “I don’t want to go on vacation anymore!” and he looked at me like I had three heads.

I’d been talking about Aruba for months and he said “Well, we just bought the house so we’re going to have to wait a while anyway…” and I was instantly relieved because we didn’t have to get on the damn plane. I asked my guides if this was a premonition and soon after found out about the unfortunate Tehran incident which I had assumed my feelings had stemmed from; though I still remained in fear.

And then I heard about Kobe.

Now, I’m not here to tell you that I “foreshadowed” someone’s death because I didn’t.

It saddens me to see other “spiritual” people trying to capitalize on energies that do not belong to them – remember, we can only access these energies with permission and I guarantee Kobe’s are off-limits for people who selfishly try to go there. Karma will see these people through.

But I am damn sure that what I felt would eventually be the mass shock-wave of grief, loss and all of the associated vibrations that “reverberated through us as a collective” – as beautifully stated by Jennifer Sodini on her Instagram page – and this strange and sudden fear of planes dissipated completely after hearing of that accident. I no longer fear getting on a plane; I had filmed a YouTube video weeks ago trying to encourage others to travel by plane in an attempt to dissipate the feeling inside of me  — “You’ll be fineGo ahead and travel” I said.

I was mistakenly thinking that it was someone else’s energies/fear that I was connecting with. I’m still calibrating as a medium so a lot of my messages are ambiguous. Though something kept me from publishing that. This is how intuition works vs trauma-led, fear-based thinking.

In contrast, my checking on my daughter a million times per night because I think she will stop breathing is a personal symptom of PTSD from experiencing Mom die. These experiences are some of what I navigate on a daily basis.

Social media has proven to be an excellent tool for the collective to come together and share experiences, good or bad, and we are sharing in the trauma and grief of a beloved high-profile person just the same as my family members and I are mourning our aunt together while living in different provinces of Canada.

I am grateful for these tools.

As both a parent and a person who lost one of her own, the most important thing for me to cultivate in my children and the other people I reach in my lifetime is love. Love is what is binding us together right now, along with the hope that change and positivity will come from these dark times as our souls try to navigate a new normal.

Through our collective grief and suffering we are experiencing a mass upgrade in energies right now as we reflect on themes like death and our own mortality. When my mental health starts to spiral downhill I do my best not to stifle what comes into my mind or body.  I want everything to come up for me to acknowledge and release it and meditation and mindfulness are effective tools that has proven themselves over and over again during my own process of healing.

But what really floored me was this one particular thought that came up after hearing about my aunt and prospective fate which triggered immense (and familiar) internal pain: “I should’ve done it when I had the chance. This hurts so much and now look what I’ve done…I brought a child into this forsaken world to experience this bullshit and fear not only for her and her future but for the potential of losing her or my husband. And if I died right now she wouldn’t even remember me.”

Those thoughts twisted around and I felt it in my stomach like a sharp knife, causing me to feel nauseous and to cry, and immediately afterwards I was offered some spiritual soothing from my guides. It was Mom. “I’m right here. We will get through this together like we have been and you need to stop worrying so much about the future. We are dead. We are not gone.”

Back when Mom first died I was reading about the illusion of time and how profoundly illusory it is. Imagining living on through an entire life without my mother with me felt no different than a bullet to the heart and the realization that time is a man-made construct was one of the first things I learned on this journey of trying to heal naturally.

Though I count the years that pass and the minutes that I am blessed to enjoy, I know that there really is no parting between past and present and time was created as a tool to navigate daily life; which unfortunately also causes many to suffer the illusion that yesterday was so very long ago. Mom used to say “Time heals all wounds…” and I thought that was bullshit but the passage of such does indeed work to our benefit; once more we are souls residing in a temporary flesh vehicle that lives and will eventually die.

But our souls do not die…They are timeless.

I cannot tell you how many hot baths I have run for myself in an attempt to soak away the stress, nor the cries I’ve moaned to my guides wondering what the hell is going on in the world (or in my life) right now. I cannot express to you how grateful I am for my husband and his parents who help to support me by caring for my daughter when I really need time to myself.

And I also cannot stress enough how important it is that I no longer suffer in silence; the things that would have once shattered me now only add to my strength as I hold faith in the good things in life and trusting the universe to offer solace, healing and meaning when things don’t go as planned.

Of all things, it was my making a perogy dinner for my family when it dawned on me. Let me preface by telling you I can’t cook lol and usually burn things. My mom used to make perogies fried with onions and they were always so delicious, but each time I tried to make them for my family I kept burning the outsides while the insides remained frozen. One day I remembered something and I ended up making them exactly like she did; instead I turned the heat on low – “Low and slow” I remember she’d say –  they turned out perfectly crispy on the outside while soft and warm inside with the onions perfectly cooked.

So that’s how I am approaching this going forward, low and slow to avoid the burnout that comes from trying to rush my healing.

I still hurt…and that is okay.

Kaila A. Notto

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