Welcome to the latest episode of Two-Minute Tarot
This post is directly related to my YouTube video titled “Two-Minute Tarot: Episode 2” where you can find me shuffle and pull the cards I’m about to explain here.
I have written about my most recent “low” in mental health struggles and will conclude with the reading for “Two-Minute Tarot” cards pulled on YouTube for Episode 2.
I recognized the symptoms.
I didn’t want to wear makeup and my appetite plummeted; wrong after wrong seemed to keep happening and after reaching such a high point in my mental health…I was confused.
“I’m supposed to be helping other people through this now…Not going through it myself!” I thought.
I wish that were the way depression and anxiety worked; *poof* and the bad parts are gone.
But it’s not.
Some days, weeks and months are so peaceful that I don’t realize I even have these issues anymore until the day comes that I do and to be honest, it’s like driving 100 km/h full-speed and hitting a concrete wall that you didn’t see coming.
It can hurt.
These days instead of turning towards medication, I turn towards my journal.
When exactly did this start, where exactly am I now and how do I move forward through these feelings and thoughts?
I came home one day from work and promptly told Tim I had reached a breaking point and needed some time to myself; he readily took on the tasks of caring for our daughter and handled the home while I started myself a hot bath.
It was a combination of things this time; my father in hospital over the holidays and the stress from that entire situation, transferring departments abruptly at work leaving a beloved area and friends behind and realizing that I may not become licensed as a millwright until my daughter becomes school-aged really started to add up.
I thought it would be beneficial to offer tarot readings so I took on clients for free and found I had no time, space nor energy to perform them…adding to my stress levels and tipping the scales further downward.
This website is my outlet; the brainchild of what I originally wanted to be a book.
What I didn’t expect was to connect so quickly with like-minded people and for that, for you – I write these struggles here because they’re real and I know I’m not the only one who hits these lows.
Suicidal thoughts do not just leave.
I work through it…I work through them when they arise.
It is very difficult to describe to unaffected people just how these thoughts arise or what it was in particular that sprouted them; but I can definitely describe the ways I find the light time after time in these situations and hope that these tools may help another person who is struggling; perhaps you know someone who is struggling and wish for some inside insight into this monster of an illness.
In recognizing my downward spiral, I re-prioritized my days to better suit healing and quickly took action to be able to reach a state of happiness and normality; the clarity required to write things like this down because as badly as I wish to write when I’m feeling so low, sadly the only things that come out are things I wish no one to read – hence why writing in a journal can be extremely beneficial when I begin to suffer.
I was watching a commercial of a family that was enjoying a weekend at a theme park and I was crying softly into my hands as my daughter played around me oblivious to my pain; I was wishing I could be like the mother on the television who didn’t have to worry about her father’s health or that her mother died or that the world can be a cruel, cruel place or that she has a child to worry about trying to navigate it should something happen to me.
I allow myself to have these moments and I do let them overtake me, but the difference now is that I don’t let them grip my hand and drag me further and further down until I drown.
Instead I acknowledge the beast and work to release the vice-grip it has on me.
I give myself the space I need to start healing once again and I take it minute by minute some days.
I make sure I’m taking some time out rather than isolating myself; I am gentle with me and stop wearing makeup (which I typically enjoy) until it becomes enjoyable again.
My husband and in-laws provide an amazing support system and I highly recommending reaching out to other people during times of crisis; though this is exactly the opposite of what I want to do when it happens…That is mental illness.
I don’t want to worry or bother my friends and family with what they may see as an invisible struggle, but I know that what would concern them more was if I were to reach a point where I could no longer express myself and perhaps find myself in a scarier situation than I’d like to think about.
I prefer “She seemed happy and was smiling but she was struggling so she asked for help” over “Fuck! She seemed fine and then she killed herself!” – suicide affects those around you even though mental illness tells you that either they will “understand and okay with it” or that “they’ll get over it”.
I promise you they won’t.
I found myself sitting in a hot bath completely overwhelmed and overworked and ready to move forward as I could smell dinner cooking and hear Mila laughing downstairs with Tim.
Sometimes it just takes a moment alone to let the mind shut off (or shut up!) and to allow myself to melt into the water; enjoying the heat of it surrounding my tense muscles and sipping on the Japanese rice tea I brought in there with me.
And then I cry it out; water is so important to the human body both for intake and as an outlet for release.
Water must be incorporated in your routine I cannot stress its importance enough.
I make my way downstairs, still sad but feeling much, much more relaxed.
I choose to eat dinner; it’s fried tofu and rice, something light to compliment the raw fruit and veggies I’d been eating all day.
I stay off social media until I am in a much better state of mind; I don’t think I need to tell anyone at this point how social media can negatively affect a person’s mental state…we know this now.
I use social media as a tool to connect with other people and I love it for that, but I do not care about how many likes or followers I have.
It does its job to help me network on a grandiose platform and I wholeheartedly love it for that; but I don’t care what influencers do or wear and I refuse to let it affect me so I set personal boundaries which will help me gauge where I’m at.
The moment I notice that I’m spending too much time on there I’ll actively kick myself off for a week to remind myself that there’s a world behind my screen; it’s addictive and awareness allows a person to use social media with a little more respect to its heavy influence.
Today I wrote in my journal that my mood was happy and that I’m looking forward to what’s next; the changes that caused me suffering most recently will see me prevail in the future…I am prevailing today compared to yesterday.
The past has taught me not to fear change – even if unforeseen or uncomfortable – and trusting the process eventually sees me on the other side of what, at one time, looks like an impossible mountain to climb.
As I write this it has taken me approximately two weeks to come out on the other side of what were the darkest thoughts I’d had since creating this website.
Patience and trust are key; I have met some of the most unimaginable scenarios yet I have always managed to come out on top because of the positive attitude I work to curate within myself.
Being a mother made me softer, more patient, more feminine.
Being a mother who suffers from mental illness made me stronger, more flexible, more understanding.
Having dark thoughts and suffering through social anxiety while equipped with the tools required to help me navigate difficult situations that would have once caused me undue stress are key to my success in healing.
I am actively working on easing my social anxiety which has been crippling most recently; I haven’t struggled with it this badly since university and it’s causing me to miss several social events at this point.
Being vocal about my struggles allows me to deepen my connection with family, friends and you because I know that as isolated as my mind can make me feel some days, I know that I’m not truly alone and have others to help me when I start to lose my foothold.
Thank you to those who support me and to all my readers, especially those who have shared with me their own lives and struggles for you are the reason I write.
I wanted to be real and honest with you about myself but mostly I want to tell people that it does get better; I know that’s becoming a common saying but it is very much the truth.
Mental illness will try to keep this fact from you.
There are days where I feel a crippling anxiety within me that I’m going to die or my child will; some days I’ll text my daycare provider and let her know I’m struggling, too.
My coworkers know.
My family knows.
My friends know.
And I’ve lost many friends because they know but don’t understand; some people aggravate my symptoms so I simply stay away from them.
Healing isn’t linear nor is it easy; but it allows me to continue on with my life and take it easy on myself on the days that going on seems unfathomable.
Now for my “Two-Minute Tarot” reading (Episode 2!) which I am changing up by adding it to this story about mental health; alas tarot is a unique divination tool that I use to speed up my process of healing as my guides can see what I often cannot.
I love an ice cold beer and I enjoyed an Alexander Keith’s while creating the video for this pull.
Though I enjoy beer some days, I won’t drink unless I’m in a good state of mind as alcohol is a depressant and can negatively impact my healing process when improperly used.
I’ve made that mistake before.
Everything factors in and I want to be transparent for those who wonder aloud what the fuck I’m doing lol.
Before I began I did my usual start-up ritual and asked that the guides of potential readers come through and thanked the people – both you and our ancestors – who allow my energy to connect with theirs.
I pulled three cards but ended up pulling a fourth because I tend to do things either in three’s or in even numbers; and I got The Hierophant as the fourth card to compliment the four Amenti Oracle cards pulled afterwards.
My first reaction to this pull is “ouch” – it looks like you’re struggling with all of that weight on your shoulders; every time you seem to try a new direction you are shot down, giving you thoughts like “It doesn’t matter what I do I always lose…” but Spirit wants you to know at this time that you must go through these failures to reach your destination point.
These failures will help to illuminate your true calling/path and this will be revealed to you as you continue to demonstrate your willingness to not give up on yourself.
It’s like a Spiritual pat on the back to say “We know. We know. But you must keep pushing forward. And we’re right here with you.”
Ten of Swords x Ten of Wands x Ace of Pentacles
Soon enough it will seem like the path you’re meant to take was always there and you’ll be mentoring people on how to reach the stage you’re at after battling all that you have in the past.
Ace of Pentacles x The Hierophant
The advice from Spirit is to keep doing what you’ve been doing and though you’re reaching a breaking point, please know you’re just about to sprout so don’t worry if you can’t see the sunlight just yet.
As far as relationships go, you seem to have a pretty good one with the earth by taking steps to help out your home planet either by making conscious lifestyle choices or actively pursuing a career in environmental health.
This love of nature and willingness to be open will lead you towards relationships that will intensify your desire to make things better for future generations; I Am Open To Love In Various Forms tells me that the relationship you will have may look totally different than you originally envisioned; perhaps you’re finding yourself attracted to people that were typically outside of your radar zone before.
And it doesn’t have to be romantic relationships either; you might be looking for friends who are more like-minded or different from the ones you grew up with.
I Consume Only My Fair Share amplifies this energy and this reading is also strongly maternal in feeling; as though you’re either a caregiver or have traditionally looked for people “to save” by trying to nurture them (even though at times this causes you to suffer).
Your actions and your ability to roll with the punches will also help to highlight the stuff that you want absolute rid of – things or people – and you will rapidly be gaining advancements in your own intuition by doing so, thus propelling you even further towards your goal of being happy, settled and financially stable.
I Care For The Earth x I Can Be Trusted tells me you’re a good person; you just are kind of going at this on your own and are wondering if it’ll always be this way…It won’t.
People around you might not understand what you’re going through right now and that is okay, just make sure you have the support you need to keep moving forward and know that Spirit has your back, especially during this time of doubt.
And of course you’re doubting…Who wouldn’t? It’s scary, especially things that are unknown but the best thing you can do is befriend yourself and take some time to write down a plan, what is changing and why and the best possible routes now that you’ve been on all the detours.
You will be able to help other people in time but you must first take care of yourself.
If I didn’t have my husband I’d be in therapy…There is no way around that fact.
And it’s not even that he says anything – it’s the fact that he sits and listens to my woes objectively and can offer perspectives I overlook sometimes due to my stress or high-level emotions clouding what is normally a rational thought process.
If you’ve got people trying to tell you how to “fix it” or “just relax” just know that you don’t need to offer anyone an explanation as to why you aren’t voicing your concerns with them anymore; I’ve let go of several “friends” who seemed to have my best intentions at heart but in fact did not.
We’ve got one life.
And we can choose at this very moment to change our story; mine changes with each new day and every unforeseen turn or hurdle and I can attest to the fact that acquiring a positive mindset when dealing with the most complicated mental stress will help you to figure things out.
Not everyone learns to ride a bike the first time; some fall off, some scrape their knee, but once you get the hang of healing using available tools and resources (like tarot or therapy or mindful eating!) I promise you’ll never forget how to do it and then you’ll be teaching others how to do wheelies.
None of what I have today happened overnight and I am thankful for everything that got me to this place…Be patient, you’re closer than you think.
Kaila A. Notto
Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2020. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to the latest episode of Two-Minute Tarot
This post is directly related to my YouTube video titled “Two-Minute Tarot: Episode 1” where you can find me shuffle and pull the cards I’m about to explain here.
First off I’d like to address the error in the video; the “King of Pentacles” on-screen should read “Knight of Pentacles” but I want to acknowledge I am reading for the card pulled not what was written on-screen during the pull.
Before I shuffle I do a little ritual and ask that Spirit comes through with any required messages.
Often times I get energies that are strong and persistent and if I re-shuffle my cards I generally get the same message until it is relayed.
What starts off as an inkling snowballs into a full-blown reading so I want to thank my guides for consistently improving upon ideas and finding creative ways to relay these messages to me; navigating the path to find our reading groove certainly has been interesting…but we’re getting there!
I have been following the guidance of my Spirit guides for years and the only thing I can describe it is that I get these “messages” but have some trouble deciphering them because they come through with static noise.
I just pick away at the messages and try different things until eventually I hit the mark; what started as an idea to write a book eventually became this website and my YouTube channel, which originated as a way to read tarot, is now “Two Minute Tarot” and short videos about my life.
I haven’t smoothed out all of the details but I’m really happy to be able to do this for other people; when I receive feedback any time I read for someone I am always blown away.
And I really enjoy hearing when people resonate with my collective readings, too so I hope you enjoy this one.
Knight of Pentacles x Three of Pentacles x Seven of Swords
This combination told me a story almost immediately of a person who is struggling at work or who may be looking at other career options; you’re feeling as though where you are now is deadheaded and you’re starting to explore other options.
You just aren’t sure if you ought to take the plunge.
Spirit is nodding at your introspection and acknowledging that you may be struggling with coworkers Three of Pentacles and perhaps considering a solo career; you would much rather work independently and feel as though your ideas are often “taken-and-run-with” by others with a louder voice.
It’s not that you don’t want to advance where you are, it’s just that more aggressive personalities tend to override you and you can’t seem to thrive in the environment you’re at now.
You see your potential but every time you reach a point of readiness, something in the back of your mind tells you you’re doing something wrong Seven of Swords.
What matters is if you are happy or not; if you trust in yourself and your abilities you can trust they will take you to success if that’s where you want to end up.
It might take a little more work and maybe even a journey back to school Knight of Pentacles but this business venture is supported by your guides and your steadfast determination.
To add in the Amenti Oracle cards to the mix, these cards tell me you’re someone who enjoys making other people laugh and you’re pretty effective in communicating…when you’re comfortable in your environment.
You may thrive in a career better suited towards your personality and may have chosen your current field out of worry or maybe even because it pays well; take some time to re-assess and see if you can’t find that financial success down a path that also stokes your happiness, too.
I Invoke Laughter
You are good at interpersonal relationships and communicate well with others but you do prefer to work alone rather than in groups – you put your best face forward even through the more difficult times.
You are someone who is quick to stick up for others but you’ll stay out of drama for the most part and will withdraw from conversations even if blame is pointed your way (justified or not); sometimes it’s easier to accept the blame than it is to speak on your own behalf but these experiences will not follow you to your next employment.
You’ll be finding your voice.
I Do The Best I Can
It’s time to use your effective communication skills and pair them with a career more befitting of your nature; in working on yourself you’re learning to let go of what was created by others and embrace the you that’s been hidden for so long.
I Communicate With Passion
Take a breath and understand that your guides know of the work ahead of you; they also see you struggle where you are not appreciated.
Don’t be afraid to take the steps required for your growth, even if other people do not understand right away.
Sometimes it’s just easier to stay put than it is to cause all of the disruption in life to change something, but we are only here for a short time; I hope you find the courage to go forth and break free of the routine to find the joy most deserving of you in the future.
That’s Two Minute Tarot: Episode 1!
Until next time!
Kaila A. Notto
Copyright © The Mindful Millwright 2020. All Rights Reserved.